On most days I can function as a normal human being. I can wake up on time, find matching socks, get Nehemiah up and ready for school, and then get myself dressed. On these days I may even throw on some makeup. I can face the world with confidence.
And then there are days like yesterday.Nehemiah accidentally fell on top of my laptop and cracked the screen in two corners. It was clearly an accident, and I'm to blame as well seeing I don't store the laptop in a safe place. Lesson learned. However, Nehemiah's behavior was challenging so my patience with him wore very thin. Now whenever Miah has an off day and it starts making me come undone, I become overly critical of myself.
Nehemiah has a bad day equals Thomasina is a bad mommy.I know this isn't an accurate representation of my parenting, but this is what comes to mind whenever we have a bad day.
Once I got Nehemiah down for bed, I decided to start studying. However, something was wrong.
I started crying.Everything hit me all at once; single parenting, school, Fibromyalgia, seizures, anxiety, depression. I couldn't seem to stop the tears, they just kept flowing. And then I realized something.
I was also crying about the break up.Although I still find myself thinking about him, I haven't actually cried in a long time. In fact I thought I was over it. But as the tears kept coming I was forced into being completely honest with myself, and it was time for me to answer a lingering question.
Was I really in love with him as much as I thought I was, or was I in love with the idea that I finally found my soul mate?
Ouch.I concluded that it was a little bit of both. Yes I did love him, a lot. But I also loved that I didn't have to worry about dating and being alone. I'm not one of those girls who have to have a boyfriend, but it's nice to be wanted. And to know someone is thinking about you. And that someone loves you in that special way. And I don't doubt that he loved me as much as he said he did.
But then again he did dump me.
And I wasn't allowed a say in the matter.
And we haven't talked since.So as I dried my tears, I decided the break up was no longer worthy of my tears and anguish.
The relationship is over.
The friendship is over.
But my spirit doesn't have to be broken. I'm way too strong for that.
----------I woke up this morning to the sun shining bright, and to Nehemiah's smiling face.
He was happy.
I was happy.
And I decided there is enough love in my life to sustain me until my happily ever after is written.
Have a wonderful weekend!