Breaking Point

Although today is Tuesday, I'm not going to link up for Target Tuesday. 

This is because I need to get some things off my chest, and out my head.

I'm struggling with school.  I mean really struggling. 

I'm having panic attacks.

My head is aching.

My stomach is upset and I can't tolerate food.

 

I'm at my breaking point.

 

I don't know how much more of this I can withstand.

My faith is dwindling because I feel all alone, like I'm not getting any help.

The more I pray, the harder it all becomes.

I'm losing my ability to function.

My whole life is based upon and around school.

 

I'm mad at this stupid accounting class.

I'm mad at online education.

I'm mad that I have to cover 15 weeks of material in 7 weeks.

 

I'm mad at the laundry that needs washing and folding and putting away.

I'm mad at the dishes that need washing.

I'm mad at the floor that needs vacuuming.

 

I'm mad at myself for possibly taking on more than I can handle.

I'm mad at myself for being so incredibly stressed out.

I'm mad at myself for believing that I can't accomplish my goal.

I'm mad at myself for not being able to do everything that needs to be done.

I'm mad at myself for not being able to understand accounting.

What am I supposed to do?

 

I'm at my breaking point.

 

 

 

Will There Be an End?

I'm feeling some type of way today.

I'm totally unmotivated and I woke up with a double dose of daily anxiety. Yes friends, I have anxiety and if I'm not careful that anxiety will turn into a seizure.

The main reason for my anxiousness is this accounting class I'm taking.

It's beyond difficult, and no matter how many hours a day I spend studying I still manage to fail the quizzes. The quizzes are ambiguous, and personally I don't think they make a fair attempt for success. Not to mention, the freakin' teacher called me by my last name, and this made me realize that she probably doesn't even know who I am!

I am not just a number dear accounting professor, I am a human being and I would like it if you took the time to realize that my name is Thomasina.

Thanks, bye.

The weather is beautiful and the sun is shining, and I want to be outdoors enjoying it.

I studied outside for a bit yesterday and it was a nice change of scenery.

I just wish I could accomplish more in a day besides studying accounting.

Luckily my mom comes over almost every day to help me out.

She's terrific, and I love the fact that she encourages me whenever I feel like giving up.

It just seems that I don't have time for anything, and I feel like I'm sacrificing so much.

 I want to get back into scrapbooking, but it's been put on the back burner for a very long time.

I want to go back to reading a new book every two weeks.

I try to read every night before bed, but lately I've been up late with accounting.

I still have a very long road ahead of me for my undergrad work, which is making me rethink online education.

I'm starting to wonder if I will ever really see the rewards of all my hard work.

I hate when I start feeling this way.

Can I really see this all the way through?

Can anyone else relate to my anxiety?

Have a Fabulous Weekend, and Do Something Extra Special For Yourself!

T.

Easy Difficulties

On most days I can function as a normal human being. I can wake up on time, find matching socks, get Nehemiah up and ready for school, and then get myself dressed. On these days I may even throw on some makeup. I can face the world with confidence.

And then there are days like yesterday.

Nehemiah accidentally fell on top of my laptop and cracked the screen in two corners. It was clearly an accident, and I'm to blame as well seeing I don't store the laptop in a safe place. Lesson learned. However, Nehemiah's behavior was challenging so my patience with him wore very thin. Now whenever Miah has an off day and it starts making me come undone, I become overly critical of myself.

Nehemiah has a bad day equals Thomasina is a bad mommy.

I know this isn't an accurate representation of my parenting, but this is what comes to mind whenever we have a bad day.
Once I got Nehemiah down for bed, I decided to start studying. However, something was wrong.

I started crying.

Everything hit me all at once; single parenting, school, Fibromyalgia, seizures, anxiety, depression. I couldn't seem to stop the tears, they just kept flowing. And then I realized something.

I was also crying about the break up.

Although I still find myself thinking about him, I haven't actually cried in a long time. In fact I thought I was over it. But as the tears kept coming I was forced into being completely honest with myself, and it was time for me to answer a lingering question.

Was I really in love with him as much as I thought I was, or was I in love with the idea that I finally found my soul mate?

Ouch.

I concluded that it was a little bit of both. Yes I did love him, a lot. But I also loved that I didn't have to worry about dating and being alone. I'm not one of those girls who have to have a boyfriend, but it's nice to be wanted. And to know someone is thinking about you. And that someone loves you in that special way. And I don't doubt that he loved me as much as he said he did.

But then again he did dump me.

And I wasn't allowed a say in the matter.

And we haven't talked since.

So as I dried my tears, I decided the break up was no longer worthy of my tears and anguish.

The relationship is over.

The friendship is over.

But my spirit doesn't have to be broken. I'm way too strong for that.

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I woke up this morning to the sun shining bright, and to Nehemiah's smiling face.

He was happy.

I was happy.

And I decided there is enough love in my life to sustain me until my happily ever after is written.

 

Have a wonderful weekend!
T.

 

 

The Mommy Meltdown

The temperature has dropped into the 30's again, and it's raining. So, it's dark and cold, and I'm tired. I am having the hardest time waking up in the morning. I would like to be up at 6 am so that I can get in a workout, but I usually end up sleeping until 7. Tonight, I'm going to try setting my alarm for 5, so that way if I keep hitting the snooze button, I should wake up by 6. Brilliant, yes I know. I had a great weekend. No flare ups! I worked my butt off on homework (which I'm swamped with this week too), and spent time with Nehemiah and the family. Nothing too exciting to report, but that's just fine by me. Oh wait, this is exciting; I have a 98 average in Sociology. I'm working hard to keep it up!

I do have some bad news to report. Nehemiah has spent the last 4 nights in bed with me. Now, I'm so tired at night, that I have been falling right asleep, and I've been staying asleep. Last night, I remember telling Nehemiah to go back to his room, but then I immediately fell back asleep. I woke up this morning, and there he was. Here's how the conversation went,

Me: "Nehemiah, why are you in my bed?"

Nehemiah: "Because I didn't listen to you when you told me to go back in my room. You went back to sleep, and I got in your bed. Maybe you should just put my bed in your room, or let me sleep in here again."

Smart little booger isn't he? So, here's my plan of action: continue to put the gate up at his doorway (he screamed at the top of his lungs the other night until I got up and took it down), slightly close my door (enough so that if he peeks his head out over the gate, he will think the door is closed), and pray that I keep my sanity. Now, the children in my family tend to not sleep in their own beds or in their own rooms, so Nehemiah and I are making a statement. One that says, "I'm the mom, and I'm not a pushover!" I have a fabulous relationship with my pediatrician, so I think I may give her a call this afternoon. I got over the fears I had about Nehemiah sleeping in his own room, and I now love having my bed to myself. When Nehemiah gives me grief about going to bed, it throws our whole night way off. He gets to bed late, so he wakes up cranky, and I don't get my much needed alone time. Someone help me pleeeeaaaassss!

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So, how about I had a major mommy meltdown Sunday morning before church. I got some new clothes back in January (super cute stuff that was like 70% off), and I haven't worn all of them yet. I didn't try the clothes on when I purchased them because everything was in my size. Sunday morning, I tried on this little denim jacket I bought, and guess what: IT DIDN'T FIT. I thought my mom was going to have to come and cut it off me (and I am not saying this so that you can get a laugh)! I tried on something different, thinking, okay no big deal. WRONG. The next shirt I tried on also didn't fit. I totally lost it! I screamed some obscenities (Nehemiah was not in hearing distance of course), cried (literally) that I was fat, shouted at my boobs for being too big, and then ripped through my closet to find something that did fit. Needless to say, we were late for church, but I did complements on the outfit I put together.

I don't obsess about weighing myself, but of course I got on the scale immediately after church. I have maintained my weight, so I don't know what the problem is. Now, I'm freaking out and obsessing about my weight. I still want to lose 30 more pounds, but I have been at a standstill. I announced to my mother that I will lose the rest of this weight very soon! I'm going to continue to do whatever it takes. I will keep you all up to date on how my progress is going. I'm ready for this challenge!

Money Doesn’t Grow On Trees; At Least Not In My Backyard

This morning, I woke up tired and cranky. I slept well, and Nehemiah slept well (in his own bed of course), but something is just very off today. I'm starting to stress about the usual things: school, work, money, money, money, money. Did I mention that I was stressed about money? Let me rephrase that, I'm worried about the lack of money. I'm the woman who is literally holding it all down; by herself. Sometimes things just get to me; the weight of the world is a lot to bear on a daily basis, and when I think I get ahead, I somehow end up taking 3 steps back. Ah, this is so aggravating. There are no fairy godmothers to wave a magic wand, there is no sugar daddy that pays my bills (the thought of that is sounding kinda nice thoughJ), and there is no child support. It's just me, myself, and I.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining; Nehemiah and I are definitely not living in the poor house (perhaps my checkbook would beg to differ), but is there something wrong with wanting more than just what's required to get by? Maybe I'm being over indulgent, or selfish, but just getting by is starting to be very overrated. What am I to do?

Confessions of a Worryaholic

This morning I'm not feeling my best. I'm very tired, but that's not the problem. My dad is in Atlanta having heart surgery, and I'm here in NY; not by dad's side. Dad is not alone at the hospital, and I spoke with him a little bit ago. He sounded like his normal self, which could be a front; he knows I worry. Dad got to talk to Nehemiah this morning, and this made the both of them very happy. The joy I saw on Nehemiah's face eased my worry just a little. I like to be in control over situations (which of course rarely happens), and I sorta freak out a tad when I feel as though the situation has occurred without my permission. Most situations happen without my permission, so you would think I would have adapted by now. It would mean that I wouldn't drive myself nuts by worrying so much. This is where my fellow believers would tell me to stop and remember one important thing; God is in control. However, in situations like this, I have to say that the idea of God being in control doesn't always comfort me, but that's another post. I truly believe in the power of prayer, and Lord knows I have sent up my fair share of prayers for my dad. If need be, mom and I will be flying to Atlanta later on today (I'm praying there are no "need be's"). As soon as I know more, I will post an update.

As I mentioned, I'm tired. I didn't sleep well; probably because I was freaking out about my dad. Nehemiah woke up twice, but for the most part he was okay. I will not turn on the nightlight for him anymore; he sleeps through the night without it. My legs are hurting more than usual too. The biggest culprit for a flare up is stress. Guess what; I'm stressed. I know I need to relax, but I will not be able to function as a normal human being until my brother calls to tell me all is well with dad. On the upside of things, I ate very well yesterday. I can honestly say that I do feel better when I give my body what it needs. However, I'm still learning what it needs. I have learned that I need lots of green veggies. Nehemiah loves veggies and I do too, so I can deal with eating more.

I have been blogging for almost a year, but I haven't really taken it too seriously until I got diagnosed with the Fibromyalgia. My blog is my way of communicating to my family and friends (although some of them still have not become followersJ). It's sometimes difficult to communicate with those I love because I'm usually exhausted when I get home. I follow some amazing blogs, and my hope is that one day, I will too have an awesome blog. I want to end this post with a "Thank You" to my lovely friend Gwen; the author of Confessions of a control freak. I love ya girl! Check out Gwen's blog, you'll love it!

Happy Hump Day!

Social Matters

I had a really hard time on New Year's Eve. It was yet another reminder that I was ending the year alone and going into the New Year alone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for my family and my friends, but it would be nice to have someone there for me. Does that make sense?
It would be nice to have someone (other than my mama) ask me how my day was, or to just listen to me vent my day's worth of frustrations.

On the other hand, I've been hurt so badly before that it's sometimes easier to just be alone. So here I am, stuck between the, "I don't want to be alone anymore," and the "I'm safe by myself" zone. I think the in-between place would be for me to date and check out my options before making a commitment of any sort. That sounds easy right? Wrong!

Well I haven't "dated" since 2006, and there is no one romantically interested. Just the same, there is no one currently catching my eye either. I don't know how to come out of the mom role and be; well, sexy and flirty. It's not that I don't want to be mom all the time, but I do think that I deserve some me time.

Am I focusing too much on myself because I want a social life?

Compliment or Diss

When people say, "Your face looks so much smaller, have you lost weight," are they complimenting you on your weight loss success or are they really saying, "Oh, you don't look so fat anymore!"

I What To Know...

~What constitutes "decently and in order" in church and who determines this?
~How your professor can tell you to double check spelling in all your emails, but he spells words wrong!
~How you can give a doctor a complete analysis of what's wrong with you, but they totally dismiss it (that fatigued feeling I've had for months is actually a Vitamin D deficiency)
~How Miah can sleep during the entire church service, but wake up at home at the sound of a sneeze
~How the Gilmore Girls can eat at Luke's twice a day every day and not gain weight?
~How Bridezillas get a man in the first place!

Sometimes You Have to Cry

I got the results from my x-rays and my bones are ok. The doctor thinks I have damaged my left leg sciatica. I started physical therapy last Thursday and I went again this morning. I also have to walk with a cain. My therapist recommended that I go for a MRI because the pain is spreading and it's not getting better, so she thinks I could have a slipped disk in my back. With that said, I cannot return to work this week and I still cannot drive. I see my doctor again on Thursday.


Last night I was in so much pain that I couldn't do anything but cry. I'm easily aggitated by everything, and yesterday I woke up with a serious case of post nasal drip that has not let up. I have been in tears a lot during the past few weeks and I still don't feel any better.


Since my parents and Miah's dad have been helping out so much with my parenting responsibilities, I'm starting to think that I'm not as good of a mom as I ought to be. I can't go out and play and I'm not supposed to be picking him up. I can't even hold him that long because I can't tolerate his weight on my leg. what kind of mom gets hurt and doesn't even know how it happened!


Miah has been throwing horrible tantrums and he even kicked me a few times. I'm convinced that my kid hates me! I think he's angry because everyone but me has been taking him to the park and outside to play. I can't even take or pick him up from school. There was a carnival over the weekend and my mom took him, which was great, but he told me that he was sad that I couldn't come. I totally feel like a slacker. Keep praying for me because I'm feeling defeated in many areas of my life right now

Frustration

Last night I went to Target to get some basic things; toilet tissue, paper towels, shampoo, Pull-Ups, kitty litter and so on. I promised Miah that we would look for a drum for him to take to Church, and we were lucky to find one. He was so excited because the drum came with real sticks, a tambourine, and a harmonica. He needed a new pair of summer shoes so we got those too. He picked out these shoes all by himself. What a big boy.

My only splurge was a $16.99 slouchy hobo bag. I'm very particular about the types of bags I carry, and seeing that right now I cannot afford a name brand bag, this would have to do. I am very pleased with my purchase.

I also got the latest issue of Cosmo. I searched 2 other stores during my lunch break and they were both all sold out!. Because my mom is unemployed during the summer months, I also got her some basic household items as well. Mom was gracious and took Nehemiah out to the truck for me so I could pay.

When I progressed to the check out line, the woman in the next line was conversing with my cashier. She was stating how she dropped 3 pant sizes in a few short months! I was flabbergasted!

Being as bold as I am, I turned to her and asked her what she did to lose the weight and how is she keeping it off. She replied by saying that she runs each and everyday. She explained that she gained a ton of weight during her pregnancy and couldn't manage to take the weight off. Once she started running, the weight melted off and she is seeing amazing results.

I have been living a healthier lifestyle since June 1st and have lost 10lbs. I have not gained anymore weight, but I still have 20lbs to go before I get to my recommended/goal weight. I already felt like my weight loss was at a stand still before speaking to this woman, but the end of this brief conversation just made me extremely jealous.

To make matters worse, my bill totaled $220.00! Yikes. I knew it was going to be a lot because when the cashier rang up the 2 packs of Pull-Ups, diaper wipes, toilet tissue, and paper towels I had already spent nearly $100.00. After swiping my bank card, I gathered my bags and got into my truck where my mom and Nehemiah waited for me. I told mom what I had spent and she made a very good point. "You got what you needed. At least you didn't waste that amount of money on useless items from the mall!" I love my mom.

Now here's where my frustration comes in. I am a single mom who has to live pay check to pay check in order to survive. By the grace of God and with the help of supportive parents, Nehemiah has never had to go without the best of anything. I work full-time for a non-profit agency, so my salary is minimal. And as far as child support goes, ha that is a joke. The monthly court-ordered support is for a whole whopping $50.00! Yes, that's right $50.00. The last time I received support was in March.

I don't mean to complain, but household items and a few extras should not have to break my bank. I know life is not fair, but I don't appreciate when Miah's father comes to visit and has to insist on showing off his new IPhone. Or how about when I drive Miah to his father's house for a visit and he shows me his new flat screen! I'm not asking for these fancy things, just some help with the neccessities. Grrrrr. Any advice?

Teenagers...Yuck!

Yesterday I was at the park with Nehemiah and Raheem and once again we had to leave early because of frickin teenagers. I don't even think these girls were teenagers, more like rude preteens. These girls were cussing at an adult and eventually the woman called the cops. I understand that parks are public places, but come on! It's not fair to the younger kids when they can't enjoy the playground because the teenagers are acting like jerks. The language was inappropriate and some of these girls were dressed like Aubrey O'Day! I vote that all teens (unless accompanied by an adult) be banned from the park...well all teens except my nieces and nephew of course lol!

I talked to Nehemiah a bit ago and he is really having a hard time being away from home. I know he's fine with his dad, but my mama bear instinct is to leave the office and go get my boy! I need this trial run before Hawaii (22 days) otherwise I will not enjoy myself for worrying about my kid. I have never been a fan of being away from home and I don't want him to be the same way, so I know I need to be strong and get through this week. I don't know whose more upset, him or me.

I've been sick again for a week, which means I haven't been in the office, which means I will have a horrible paycheck.

I'm totally freaking out about money right now especially because I leave for Hawaii in 27 days. I hate this so much! Excuse my self loathing, but I don't know what to do differently to fix my financial situation. I'm totally aware that if you keep doing the same things the same way, you get the same results. I wish I could snap my fingers and BAM, everything in my life seems to fall into place. I'm broke, I'm single, and I'm frickin' sick. Gosh am I to be envied!