Some of My Favorite Things

I'm still not feeling well today, but I was able to take a very long and much needed nap. But...I'm still fatigued. Maybe one day (sooner than later) I will be able to feel rested. Nehemiah didn't get to bed early last night, but I figured that he would at least sleep in this morning. That didn't happen; he was up at 6:30. He also got into my bed some time during the night; tonight, the gate goes back up.



A few months ago, I did some shopping and got some amazing things, so I decided to share them.


Here are some of my favorite things:


My first favorite thing is this lamp. The picture just doesn't do the lamp justice. I have two of them in my living room, and they're great because they give off just enough light to make the room feel cozy. The lamp uses a small bulb (similar to a night light bulb), so in order to have a well-lit room, you need a lamp with a regular bulb. I'm not sure how well you can see the picture on the table, but the picture is of my best friend Mary and I. Mary lives in Georgia, and I miss her very much.





My next favorite item I recently purchased is this end table. This is the same table that houses my lamp. I have two of the end tables (I needed one for each lamp-duh), and they're perfect for my living room. The dark wood goes well the color scheme in my living room. The glass jar you see in the picture holds the sand from my trip to Hawaii that I took last May. I have a piece of Wikiki right in my living room! The little doll is from Russia, and it was a gift I received many years ago. The clock was my grandmother's.









And these are my boots, that I love so very much. I needed some stylish boots to wear with leggings, but all the boots I found had heels, something I cannot wear (thank you Fibromyalgia). I found these boots at a mall in Buffalo. The boots were normally $150, but here's the best part; they were marked down to $29.99! I got the last pair that the store had, and they just happened to be my size. I wanted to buy the boots in black too, but they were all sold out. At least I got the brown ones!

Woe is Me

Last night, my legs felt like they were on fire. They hurt so incredibly bad. My mom spent the night to help me with Nehemiah; she's such a great mom. I woke up this morning without the leg pain, but I was still incredibly tired. I slept in until 9:30, and I feel like I never went to bed. I dreamt last that I was at a hospital telling the doctor all about the frustrations I have with living with Fibromyalgia. When I woke up, I was crying. I guess that I haven't really dealt with the fact that I have Fibromyalgia. I'm learning to deal with the pain and the limitations I face every day; I haven't dealt with the emotional side of having Fibromyalgia. I guess I'm feeling helpless because there's so much that I can't do. I get extremely aggravated because I can't get normal house work done; my mom has to do. This is because my hands and arms hurt so badly. My mom never complains about helping, but I feel like my restrictions are defeating me. After I cry and get upset, I calm down and realize that there are still a lot of things that I can do. I'm able to work each day, and I still can drive (unless my legs hurt). I saw a commercial yesterday that was for a Fibromyalgia website. The people on the commercial were in agony; some were crying. I got teary eyed watching because on certain days, I feel like those people. Learning to live with Fibromyalgia is more than pain management and diet changes; it's an emotional journey.

Today, Nehemiah has been very difficult. Maybe it's because I'm not feeling well and have a low tolerance, but his little attitude has been a bit much. I'm starting to understand what people mean when they say that age three is far worse than the terrible two's. He's so opinionated about everything, and when he gets upset he goes into a full-fledged tantrum. I mean the whole nine yards; jumping up and down, screaming at the top of his lungs, and of course tears. Today, he's decided to have a tantrum if I blinked at him the wrong way. He didn't take a nap, so he will be put to bed very early. Don't get me wrong, I love Nehemiah more than life itself; even when he is being a little monster.

This weekend, I have not had the chance yet to spend time with the man friend. He was going to come over last night, but the weather got really nasty. He was going to come over tonight, but you guess it; more snow and nasty weather. We're keeping our fingers crossed that the snow stops so he can come over tomorrow.

My english class will be finished on Monday, and then I began sociology. I can't believe how fast my classes are going (don't forget I take a new class every 7.5 weeks). I'm so proud of myself because I'm doing very well.

The Optimistic Pessimist

All throughout the day yesterday, I had amazing energy. I thought to myself, "is this how normal people feel every day?" By the evening, the fatigued set in and I ended up falling asleep on the couch with Nehemiah. I actually had a very restful sleep last night, but I'm very fatigued. My mom called me this morning to tell me that the schools were closed because of the snow, so I was praying that the office would be closed. I called my supervisor, and she said we needed to go in. So, after swearing like a sailor all the way to the shower, I sucked it up and got ready for work. After getting out of the shower, I noticed that I had a voicemail; from my supervisor. The message; today is a snow day! Needless to say, I was very pleased.

Nehemiah has done exceedingly well sleeping in his room. I put the nightlight in the hallway, and this really seems to help him. I notice that every day he is becoming more and more independent. He can reach the sink at my mom's house without his step stool. He can dress and undress himself; without any help. He can put his boots and shoes on the correct feet, and he washes himself in the bathtub. He is 3 ft tall and he just keeps growing and growing. I'm such a proud mama!

The other day, my mom decided that we needed to have a talk. I had no idea what she wanted to talk about; I'm a little too old for "the talk," so I knew that conversation wasn't on that topic. Our conversation went like this:

Mom-"Why do you see the negativity in every situation? How come you can't look at the positive things that could happen?"

Me-"Mom, I've been through so much in my 28 years of life that in order to cope with things, I look at what could go wrong instead of looking at what could go right. That way, when the bad things do happen, I'm more prepared."

Mom-"Bad things happen to everyone, but you need to start looking on the bright side and learn how to enjoy life. How are you ever going to be happy if you aren't willing to take chances?"

She was absolutely right; how am I ever going to be happy if I'm not willing to take chances? I'm the type of woman who is very comfortable living in her little box. When I come out of that box, I come undone by the worry of what may go wrong. I've lived my life focusing on what could go wrong, that I've forgotten about what could go right! I can encourage other people to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My light, well it probably will run out of batteries, which would mean that I would be wandering around the tunnel aimlessly trying to find my way out. The optimistic side says, use the flash light application on your cell phone and go on your merry way! To help me weigh the pros and cons of things, I will make lists, but you've guessed it; the bad always outweighs the good. Guess I should stop with the lists huh?

So, here I am embarking on a new journey; one of positive outlook and self discovery. Let's see where this brings me!

To help with my exercise dilemma, my mom found me a yoga kit that I should actually be able to use. The kit came with a journal, a mat, a stretch band, an exercise ball and pump, and a DVD. I'm looking forward to trying it out. I still have more weight to lose; I would like to lose 30 more pounds (I've lost 18 so far and it's really making a difference), but my physician only wants me to lose 15 to 20 pounds. However, the side effects of the Fibromyalgia medication is weight gain and increased appetite. Once I get a handle on eating the foods I can have, I should be all set…I hope.

Update On Dad

I just got a phone call from my dad, and he's just fine. He's actually on his way back home, so he didn't even need to stay over. I can't tell you all how grateful I am for your prayers and good thoughts for dad and me. Thanks so much!

Confessions of a Worryaholic

This morning I'm not feeling my best. I'm very tired, but that's not the problem. My dad is in Atlanta having heart surgery, and I'm here in NY; not by dad's side. Dad is not alone at the hospital, and I spoke with him a little bit ago. He sounded like his normal self, which could be a front; he knows I worry. Dad got to talk to Nehemiah this morning, and this made the both of them very happy. The joy I saw on Nehemiah's face eased my worry just a little. I like to be in control over situations (which of course rarely happens), and I sorta freak out a tad when I feel as though the situation has occurred without my permission. Most situations happen without my permission, so you would think I would have adapted by now. It would mean that I wouldn't drive myself nuts by worrying so much. This is where my fellow believers would tell me to stop and remember one important thing; God is in control. However, in situations like this, I have to say that the idea of God being in control doesn't always comfort me, but that's another post. I truly believe in the power of prayer, and Lord knows I have sent up my fair share of prayers for my dad. If need be, mom and I will be flying to Atlanta later on today (I'm praying there are no "need be's"). As soon as I know more, I will post an update.

As I mentioned, I'm tired. I didn't sleep well; probably because I was freaking out about my dad. Nehemiah woke up twice, but for the most part he was okay. I will not turn on the nightlight for him anymore; he sleeps through the night without it. My legs are hurting more than usual too. The biggest culprit for a flare up is stress. Guess what; I'm stressed. I know I need to relax, but I will not be able to function as a normal human being until my brother calls to tell me all is well with dad. On the upside of things, I ate very well yesterday. I can honestly say that I do feel better when I give my body what it needs. However, I'm still learning what it needs. I have learned that I need lots of green veggies. Nehemiah loves veggies and I do too, so I can deal with eating more.

I have been blogging for almost a year, but I haven't really taken it too seriously until I got diagnosed with the Fibromyalgia. My blog is my way of communicating to my family and friends (although some of them still have not become followersJ). It's sometimes difficult to communicate with those I love because I'm usually exhausted when I get home. I follow some amazing blogs, and my hope is that one day, I will too have an awesome blog. I want to end this post with a "Thank You" to my lovely friend Gwen; the author of Confessions of a control freak. I love ya girl! Check out Gwen's blog, you'll love it!

Happy Hump Day!

Food, Glorious Food…

I'm starting this post on a good note; I finally entered R.E.M sleep last night. How do I know, I have energy today (yippee)! I actually feel rested, and guess what; I'm wearing makeup for the second day in a row. The Fibromyalgia meds I began almost 3 weeks ago take about 6 weeks to work, but each day I notice an improvement. This means the meds are starting to affect the neurotransmitters in my brain (this is the point of the meds). The improvements may seem irrelevant (wearing makeup), but unless you experience the pain of Fibromyalgia, you will not understand the significance of each improvement.

Last night, Nehemiah came into my room 5 times throughout the night (don't forget that I'm well rested today). He was afraid of having another nightmare, so I thought putting a nightlight in his room would help. Wrong. I woke up at midnight and freaked out because someone was in my bed (other than Miss Cinnamon of course). Who was it? You guessed it; Nehemiah. I felt like Super*Nanny; child wakes up and comes out of bedroom, parent puts child back in bedroom countless times throughout the night, parent's sleep gets interrupted (did I mention I slept well). The 5^th time Nehemiah got out of bed, I didn't lose my temper; I put the gate up at his doorway (mostly to keep my sanity). He cried a little, then got back into his bed and went to sleep for the rest of the night. I'm so proud of myself; I didn't cave. It would have been much easier to let him sleep in my bed, but it would have undone his success. I'm very proud of the both of us.

Now, onto the title of this post; food. Although much is still to be discovered about food and it's relation to Fibromyalgia, I was given a very strict list of foods to avoid. I'm not supposed to have any fast food. Typically we only eat out once a week, so I thought this would be okay. I thought I would be able to avoid those darling golden arches (oh how I curse those freaking french fries), but last night I had a relapse (seriously folks, I'm like an addict when it comes to those damned french fries). I had the french fries and a burger with the extras, and it made me so sick and nauseated. While stuffing my face (literally, and who are you to judge me), my body kept telling me to stop eating all that junk. Did I listen; of course not, and I ended up ill. And I still have heartburn. I still need to lose some more weight, so I have been doing fairly well with the whole eating healthy thing. If I avoid the delicious bad foods, I will feel better, and I will lose weight. So what's the problem; it's a win-win situation? I will be left eating cardboard, that's the problem. Okay, I'm being a bit dramatic (not by much), but that's what it tastes feels like. So, my question dear friend is this; how can I enjoy what I'm allowed to eat?

Here's a list of my forbidden foods:

Chinese food (msg)

White bread (sugar)

White Potatoes (because they taste so good starch)

Caffeine (can have a limited amount)

Fatty foods (like the french fries)

White rice (I don't like it anyway, except with soy sauce)

Regular noodles (you know the ones that aren't wheat)

Red meat (I love steak and am not too willing to give it up)

As I write this post, please keep in mind that although it's only 3:52pm, I am ready for bed, so disregard any grammatical mistakes. The reason for my tiredness; fatigue. I felt pretty good for most of the day (I even wore makeup again today), but now I'm beat. I better wake up before I commute home; its snowing a lot outside.

All is well in the land of the man friend. I didn't get to see him at all this weekend, but I will see him in a few days.

Nehemiah went to bed at 7pm last night, so I was expecting him to rise early. At 5 am, he came into my room and got in bed with me, which he hasn't done since he's been sleeping in his own room. When we both woke up, Nehemiah told me that he had a scary dream; there were monsters downstairs watching his Thomas The Train movie. He wasn't upset about the monster part of the dream, he was pissed they were watching his Thomas The Train!

No one messes with Thomas!

Here is my cat, Miss Cinnamon.

Apparently, she likes bacon because as I was cooking breakfast yesterday morning, Miss Cinn stood in front of the stove and cried!!! This is how I finally got a good picture of her (isn't she lovely). She is such a good girl. She loves Nehemiah (brother), and he loves his "sister." Every morning she and Nehemiah cuddle before we go downstairs.

It's so cute!

Frustrations

Yesterday, I had a difficult time with everything I attempted to accomplish. I woke up aching more than usual, and I was so fatigued I couldn't see straight. It turns out that I didn't take my pain pill before I went to bed Friday night. My mom took Nehemiah, and I went back to sleep. However, when I awoke from my nap, I felt as though I hadn't slept at all. I have learned how to deal with the daily aches and pains that come with the Fibromyalgia; I have not learned how to deal with the chronic fatigue. This is where the frustration sets in; I never feel rested. If I don't take a sleeping pill at night, I will not fall asleep. And guess what, I still don't sleep throughout the night with the sleeping pill. It's been a long time since I have experienced a good night's sleep. From what I have read in my Fibromyalgia book, chronic fatigue is the hardest thing to get under control. I pray that one day; the restful sleep will come back.

Now to the good stuff; the man friend. The man friend was supposed to come over last night, but we had a difference of opinions. He has made it clear that he's ready for a serious relationship. This is not an easy commitment because I don't come alone; Nehemiah and I are a packaged deal. He has also made it clear that he's ready for the packaged deal. I am in awe that this amazing man is ready to love me and my son. Now here's the kicker; man friend feels that I am making him pay for the mistakes of the men who have hurt me before. I am all about taking things slow; man friend says he will patient with me, but I need to stop thinking that he will turn out to be like the other men I have dated in the past. I have been hurt so badly before. No one will ever understand the bruises on my heart; the brokenness of my soul. I know that man friend is not like the others, but my mind keeps coming up with all these "what if's" scenarios. He wants to spend more time with Nehemiah and he understands my hesitation. I don't want Nehemiah to get attached to the man friend because of the possibility that maybe this relationship won't work out. Man friend told me that I need to take a chance on love and allow myself to be loved. See why I really like man friend? How do I get over my fears because I don't want to mess this up?

Friday

This morning after Nehemiah woke up; he decided to come join me in my bed. He's doing so well sleeping in his bedroom.

I'm so proud of him!

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Nothing too eventful happened today, and that is just fine by me. I had minimal pain, so overall it was a good day.

Tonight, the man friend is coming over for a movie night. I guess a hint of excitement is appropriate, but what kind of pessimist would I be if I didn't second guess everything?

My online session is finished next Friday, so I will be busy this weekend finalizing my research paper. I will also be putting away tons and tons of laundry. At least it's all clean and folded.

On a good great note, I have lost more weight. I purchased a cheapy belt last weekend, and when I put it on for the first time this morning, it was too big! I love that I'm losing weight, but I just went shopping last month for smaller clothes, and now they're too big! I guess that means more shopping. I'm so heartbroken.

I want to start exercising again, but I have to be extremely cautious because of the Fibro. If anyone has any recommendations on great Pilates or Yoga dvd's, please let me know. I wanted to start running this summer (I actually wanted to start last summer), but as of right now, my legs can't take it. Maybe once the Fibro gets more under control; my legs won't bother me so much. A girl can hope.

Apparently, more people are reading my blog; they just haven't become a follower yet (hint hint).

Happy Friday!

This was me yesterday morning. The significance of the picture; I'm wearing makeup, and I finally changed my nose ring, which you can't see. This seems like no big deal except that I haven't worn makeup for about 3 weeks! My arms and hands ache tremendously in the morning, so by the time I'm finished taking a shower, washing my hair, getting dressed, and brushing my teeth, there is no energy left for applying makeup. This is a major bummer because I love makeup. I had a great day yesterday; little to no pain, which is why I got to wear makeup. At church on Sunday, I got the chance to talk to another member who also has Fibro. She gave me a list of foods that I should be eating. The list of foods I shouldn't be eating is much longer (can you hear the sadness). I had to find out the hard way that Chinese food will leave me feeling like death the following morning. Good bye sesame chicken.

Now, here is what I woke up to this morning. We have a weather advisory for my county and the county I work in. I prayed for a snow day and unfortunately didn't get one; God and I will be chatting later. Remember that my arms and hands ache in the morning (actually everything aches this morning), so there was no way I was going to clean off all that snow. Thank goodness my mom loves me; she came over (that's her house you see) and cleaned the snow off my truck. Surprisingly, the roads were all clear and my commute wasn't too bad. I hope I can say the same for the drive home. Keeping my fingers crossed that spring will decide to come early.

TMI

I know that in order to get people to follow your blog, you have to actually post something frequently. We all know that this is not one of my strong points. I have a ton of stuff that I could post, but I'm not sure if I want to. If I share my deepest thoughts and special moments, then are they really that deep and special?

One thing that I will share is that I have recently been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My Fibro is considered severe and I usually have more bad days than good. I have an amazing physician and we're working together to determine what works for me and what doesn't. My legs bother me the most and I don't sleep well at night (even with medication). I've read that those of us with Fibro don't get into R.E.M sleep because our muscles don't relax. So, for the time being my posts will be about living with Fibromyalgia.

The sorta big news is that I'm dating someone! We're not in a committed relationship, but it's a possibility down the road. I won't go into names and too much information, but he's a great guy and I'm taking everything one day at a time. I figured I share this with you seeing that not too long ago, I posted about how bad I wanted to meet someone! The universe has finally heard my cry!

I think that being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia has opened my eyes to some things that I need to change. Because I don't often feel well, my tolerance for people has decreased substantially. I discovered that I'm only interested in keeping those friendships that thrive on give and take. I have to take care of myself in order to get this Fibro under control, and that means that I need love and support. The people who have proven to be supportive and loving are the ones who call or text me regularly, even just to ask how I'm feeling. I don't even mind those who check up on me through face*book. So, if I told you about my diagnoses and you don't have time to hear me whine, leave me alone and I'll call you when a cure has been developed!

It's really amazing to me that those who are supposed to be my nearest and dearest, only call to tell me about their problems; never stopping to ask about me. I'm not going to apologize for being selfish, but a friendship is supposed to be half and half; just like a romantic relationship.

Those who can't step up to the plate in my family better watch out too, or they just may end up going straight to voicemail whenever they call ! (I got a Smart*phone last Sunday, and I love the "straight to voicemail" option that you can assign to phone numbers).

Smooches