Frustration

Last night I went to Target to get some basic things; toilet tissue, paper towels, shampoo, Pull-Ups, kitty litter and so on. I promised Miah that we would look for a drum for him to take to Church, and we were lucky to find one. He was so excited because the drum came with real sticks, a tambourine, and a harmonica. He needed a new pair of summer shoes so we got those too. He picked out these shoes all by himself. What a big boy.

My only splurge was a $16.99 slouchy hobo bag. I'm very particular about the types of bags I carry, and seeing that right now I cannot afford a name brand bag, this would have to do. I am very pleased with my purchase.

I also got the latest issue of Cosmo. I searched 2 other stores during my lunch break and they were both all sold out!. Because my mom is unemployed during the summer months, I also got her some basic household items as well. Mom was gracious and took Nehemiah out to the truck for me so I could pay.

When I progressed to the check out line, the woman in the next line was conversing with my cashier. She was stating how she dropped 3 pant sizes in a few short months! I was flabbergasted!

Being as bold as I am, I turned to her and asked her what she did to lose the weight and how is she keeping it off. She replied by saying that she runs each and everyday. She explained that she gained a ton of weight during her pregnancy and couldn't manage to take the weight off. Once she started running, the weight melted off and she is seeing amazing results.

I have been living a healthier lifestyle since June 1st and have lost 10lbs. I have not gained anymore weight, but I still have 20lbs to go before I get to my recommended/goal weight. I already felt like my weight loss was at a stand still before speaking to this woman, but the end of this brief conversation just made me extremely jealous.

To make matters worse, my bill totaled $220.00! Yikes. I knew it was going to be a lot because when the cashier rang up the 2 packs of Pull-Ups, diaper wipes, toilet tissue, and paper towels I had already spent nearly $100.00. After swiping my bank card, I gathered my bags and got into my truck where my mom and Nehemiah waited for me. I told mom what I had spent and she made a very good point. "You got what you needed. At least you didn't waste that amount of money on useless items from the mall!" I love my mom.

Now here's where my frustration comes in. I am a single mom who has to live pay check to pay check in order to survive. By the grace of God and with the help of supportive parents, Nehemiah has never had to go without the best of anything. I work full-time for a non-profit agency, so my salary is minimal. And as far as child support goes, ha that is a joke. The monthly court-ordered support is for a whole whopping $50.00! Yes, that's right $50.00. The last time I received support was in March.

I don't mean to complain, but household items and a few extras should not have to break my bank. I know life is not fair, but I don't appreciate when Miah's father comes to visit and has to insist on showing off his new IPhone. Or how about when I drive Miah to his father's house for a visit and he shows me his new flat screen! I'm not asking for these fancy things, just some help with the neccessities. Grrrrr. Any advice?

Movie Night

When I got home last night, I was so excited to see two red envelopes in my mail box. Yep, they were my Netflix movies. I was even more excited because the night had offered me the opportunity to sit down and actually watch the dvd's.

I decided to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic. Although I didn't find the book all that amusing, I decided to give the movie a try anyway. How bad could the movie be; she shops and looks fabulous right?

Just as any book-made-movie, the plot was much different. Instead of Becky living in England, she was in NYC, different but no big deal. For the first 30 minutes I was interested in Becky's life, mainly because of all the clothes, shoes and shopping. After that, it was a wrap; I was bored.

Maybe the movie didn't peek my interest because I was expecting Becky's character to emulate the infamous Elle Woods. Everyone knows that Legally Blonde is my number one movie of all time. Right next to Clueless. A smart, sexy girl who loves pink; how could I not love Legally Blonde? Although the endings to both movies are highly un-likely, I have to give Confessions a thumbs down. It was just too unbelieveable. I have to say I enjoyed the book much more, which still doesn't say all that much.

After the dissappointing movie, I decided to watch the other dvd.

I don't have cable anymore, so I Netflixed a series that seems to get a lot of buzz. I have never actually watched the show, so I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it. Wondering what series I decided to follow?

Gossip Girl! OMG, I'm sold. After watching just the first episode of season 1, I'm totally hooked. I'm all for drama (especially when it doesn't involve me personally), and Gossip Girl definately is packed with it. I can't wait to watch the rest of season 1.

So I guess I could say that Gossip Girl saved the night. It's not often that I get the chance to sit and enjoy and a good flic, and I was utterly disgusted that I wasted a spot on my queue with Confessions. However, all those emotions flew right out the window once I started watching my new favorite series. I think I've found a new love.

Swimming

Since our other Martin friends are gone, Nehemiah and I have been putting around trying to find something to do with our evenings. Last night Lisa called and invited us to Godfrey's Pond. It was getting late, but seeing that the weather was so nice, I decided to go.

This was Nehemiah's first time attempting to swim in water that wasn't in a plastic kiddie pool or in the bathtub. I'm deathly afraid of water, so the whole idea of him swimming sorta freaked me out. I didn't want to transfer my fear into him, so I sucked it up and made a big deal about how fun swimming is.

Once he got into the water with the other kids, he began to get a little unnerved. He was trying to walk in the water rather than swim. He tipped over and his head went under. This did it, he freaked out. Claire was holding his hand and she helped him get back on his feet. He started screaming. By that time I had already gotten into the shallow water to comfort him. I wiped his tears and told him how proud I was that he tried swimming! He was so brave.

For the rest of the evening Nehemiah decided to play in the sand. He scooped sand into the water and only wanted to put his feet in. I rolled up my capris and walked along the edge of the pond. Once he saw that I was okay, he held my hand and walked with me. He didn't get back into the water, but he enjoyed the sand and the fishermen who were on the other side.

After we ate dinner and watched some boys catch fish, it was time for home. After a quick bath to rinse all the salt, it was time for bed. Nehemiah had a hard time winding down, but right before he closed his eyes as I rocked him, he looked up at me. "I love you to the moon mama," he said and fell right asleep. "I love you to the moon and back," I replied. I kissed his forehead and put him in bed.

For those who don't know the story behind "I love you to the moon," you must read the book down below by Sam McBratney. Every child should have this book in their collection.

Good Bye

Last night Nehemiah and I had our last playdate with the other "Martin" family. The kids had a great time playing and all went well until it was time to say goodbye. Nehemiah got angry because his friend was leaving, and I was suprised to see that he really understood what was going on. As I hugged Nic, I felt so many emotions; the pain of bad breakup; a death. A part of me was leaving. Change is the only thing in life that is constant. We knew this move was going to happen, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. A timeless friendship is one that you learn from; you will always have something to take with you to encourage and inspire you no matter where you are in life. I have been blessed enough to have a few of these types of friendships (thanks Nic and Mary). It's these types of friendships that make life a bit easier to live.

BlAcK

Lately in the media there has been a lot of discussion about what it means to be "black." Within my own culture, an educated man or woman who speaks well is trying to act "white." The last time I checked, education and speech didn't come marked with a race.



The statistics for my people are horrible. Many believe that we can't be successful unless we rap or play a sport. Making money seems to be what drives most, except greed starts to over take need. When are we going to hold ourselves to a higher standard?



Seeing that I don't fit into this classification, where does this leave me? I'm not "black enough" for some of my sistas because of my light skin and "good" hair, or maybe it's because of the way I raise my son.



At 27, I still get teased for the way I talk and the music I like. And as far as my parenting, that seems to be a public discussion. I hear constantly, "We don't do things like that cause we're black. Only white people treat their kids like that!"



Shut up already! I know the legacy that runs through my veins. I know the story of the struggles my people went through. I know where we have been and the journey we are yet still on.



Just because the "good things in life" and the "American dream," seem to be reserved for those who are not of color, does not mean that I will stand back and not fight for my piece of the pie. My accomplishments, goals and dreams, for me and my son are not painted in white, black, brown, or tan. They are painted with hope and faith, and that's all we need to get us by!

So if my walk and talk offend you, well then it's just too bad. To fit into your preconceived notion about how this BlAcK woman should be living her life? Thanks for your unwanted opinion, but actually...I'm aight!

And Now

Lots of new stuff going on in my life, which leaves me excited and for once not anxious. For the first time in about a year, I feel like I have some control. Life at home is changing, but i'm open to what new doors will opened. Friends are moving (GA seems to be the "in" place to live now!) and although I'm excited for the newness that will be coming their way, I'm also very sad that they will be gone. I'm especially sad because Nehemiah's best buddy will no longer be around the corner. How do you explain change to a 2 year old? I will mourn their leaving for awhile, but life has to go on. Instead of playdates we will have Skype dates and phone calls. Real friends find time for one another, so I'm sure that the distance between us will only make our hearts grow fonder. With all this change comes the biggest change of all, my returning to school to study Business Administration and Mangement. This has been a goal of mine forever, and finally it's coming true! I'm going back to college. To put in words the emotions I feel whenever I speak that sentence cannot be done. Thankfullness floods my being and I want to fall on my knees just say "thank you." No one truly knows what God has done for me. This blessing will be stored in my heart forever.

It looks like I will moving into the house next door in Oct, and I'm very excited.