The Dream

So, for the last few nights I keep having these recurring dreams.

The dream; I'm so embarrassed and I can't believe I'm writing about it.

The dream is that I'm having an affair with a married or committed man.

Now, let me just say that I have the most respect for marriage and I

would NEVER be the other woman. The same goes for men who are committed. If you are

taken, then you are not available and that's my stance. And no, I don't buy the..."we're only

together for the kids", or the..."my wife/girlfriend doesn't understand me". Plus, Jesus says....

Matthew 19:5-6 (New International Version)
5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

I will not be responsible for coming in between a man and his wife, or a man and his girlfriend for

that matter. I believe that divorce is so prominent in our society because people don't respect

marriage anymore. This is why these dreams drive me absolutely bonkers! The other crazy

thing is I don't have feelings for anyone right now, so I'm not sure why I keep having these

dreams. Sometimes I know the man who I'm having the affair with, and other times I have no

clue who he is! What is wrong with me!

To Ponder

And this is where I am today.

Full of questions.

Does it ever feel like you woke up one morning and BOOM, you're an adult?

When did I become that girl who goes to bed at 9 pm every night and gets up at 7 am (6:30 on a good day) even on weekends? And how did sleeping until 8 am qualify as sleeping in? What happened to the days of staying up all night and sleeping until noon the next day?

When did I become the girl who has to watch what she eats? Long are the days of pizza, chicken wings, and burgers everyday for lunch.

When did I become the girl who plans everything out? From shopping lists to my daily schedule. When did "go with the flow" retire?

When did I become the girl whose thighs are so close together they can call each other by name? What happened to the thighs that once lived miles apart from one another?

What happened to the boobs ladies and gentlemen? No amount of gravity can keep these babies where they need to be. Whatever did I do to deserve this punishment? I didn't even nurse for goodness sake!

What happened to time? There is no such thing as free time anymore. If someone finds it hiding, please tell it to make a stop by my home!

And last, but not least; what the frick happened to dating? Once upon a time, this girl was never single. In fact, I was fighting men off. I would have a boyfriend, but have a backup list of guys who I could date at anytime, and no, I was not promiscuous.

Oh where, oh where have these things gone? Oh where, oh where could they be? More important, can I ever get them back. Especially the mile apart thighs! Come on, haven't I suffered enough!!!

The Audacity of Those Who Lack Common Sense

Last Wednesday Nehemiah had a very bad visit with his father. For the sake of time let's just say that Miah will not be visiting with his dad until further notice. I am extremely frustrated by this man's lack of common sense. He goes for months without so much as a phone call, then when he shows up, he thinks all is well. I made myself quite clear last week that he ruined the opportunity for further visits with Miah.
The hard part; reassuring a 2 1/2 year old that there is normality and consistency in his life. I sat Miah down and explained some things to him. I decided that no longer am I going to make excuses as to why he doesn't see daddy all the time. I told him that daddy loves him and I gave Miah the choice of deciding when he wants to spend time with daddy. When Miah decides he wants to see his dad it will be at our home and I will be there. I also told Miah that he can call daddy whenever he wants.
The part that hurts. Miah is worried that if he doesn't go to his dad's house he will "make daddy sad." My son shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to go back to a place where he felt unsafe and afraid! This is what really gets me, since the incident last week his father has asked for another visit! The audacity of this man. What on earth would possibly give him the idea that he would ever have the option again to take Nehemiah for a visit! After talking to my parent's lawyer last week, I know that I have the right to deny all visitation that is not mutually agreed upon. Although I'm angry, I will continue to put Miah's best interest ahead of my feelings. When Miah is ready to see and talk to his father again, he will; under my terms.

Past and Present

As the days go by, I discover more about myself than I knew before. Last year during this time I embarked on a journey to determine who this Thomasina person really was. Everything had turned up side down and I questioned everything I thought I already knew.

Now, a year later I can say that I know who I am.

I know who I am as an individual, a mom, a Christian etc. I've learned that what makes me tick or what ticks me off is okay. I can now say no to others without feeling bad. I can let things slide off my back. I can handle life with a tighter grip.

I can love me while looking fabulous or normal. I no longer worry what other people think because it doesn't matter.

I can accept criticism and avoid being judgemental. I can determine if a situation in my life will matter in the long run.

I made it through one of the biggest challenges in my life, and I would do it all over again if it meant becoming the woman that I am.