Monday, January 25, 2010

The Red Shirt

We all know that certain smells can remind you of a memory. For example, whenever I smell Bath and Body Work's Warm Vanilla Sugar, I'm taken back to college. I was sitting outside, minding my own business, when a girl in my class informed me that my boyfriend liked her roommate and was coming to their dorm all the time! I already had suspicions that my boyfriend liked this girl, so I was devastated to hear someone actually comment on his feelings out loud. Needless to say, that relationship ended shortly after, and so did my relationship with the scent.

The same thing happens whenever I see this red shirt. I'm taken back to the horrible days I had while wearing this shirt. The first time I wore the shirt, my family became the victims of a horrible lie. A lie that has been exposed, but still manages to damage us. The second time I wore the shirt was the day of Nehemiah's last visit with his father. We all know what happened there.

I didn't want to throw the shirt away, so I buried it in my dresser. I had it in my closet, but I couldn't stomach seeing it every day. Yesterday while putting laundry away, I came across the red shirt. Instantly, tears came to my eyes and I became angry and afraid all over again. How can an inanimate object have so much control over my emotions? I immediately re-buried the shirt, snapped out of my depression, and continued watching Glee (bought season 1 on DVD and I love it; let's not forget that I don't have cable).

Why do I keep the shirt? It's a reminder of what I've been through. I don't want to forget and become complacent. It reminds me that I have to be strong, even when I am un-humanly weak. It reminds me to not let my emotions make decisions for me. It reminds me to fight like hell for those I love. Maybe it's not a good thing that I keep the shirt. However, when I dig up that red shirt and think, "What's this doing here," without breaking down; that is the day I can officially bury the red shirt.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Social Matters

I had a really hard time on New Year's Eve. It was yet another reminder that I was ending the year alone and going into the New Year alone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for my family and my friends, but it would be nice to have someone there for me. Does that make sense?
It would be nice to have someone (other than my mama) ask me how my day was, or to just listen to me vent my day's worth of frustrations.

On the other hand, I've been hurt so badly before that it's sometimes easier to just be alone. So here I am, stuck between the, "I don't want to be alone anymore," and the "I'm safe by myself" zone. I think the in-between place would be for me to date and check out my options before making a commitment of any sort. That sounds easy right? Wrong!

Well I haven't "dated" since 2006, and there is no one romantically interested. Just the same, there is no one currently catching my eye either. I don't know how to come out of the mom role and be; well, sexy and flirty. It's not that I don't want to be mom all the time, but I do think that I deserve some me time.

Am I focusing too much on myself because I want a social life?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

How The Time Passed

I fell ill the day after Thanksgiving and did not get better until the week before Christmas. The culprit; swine flu. I'm all better now, except for the fact that my ears hurt.
Any how, here is an update on what's been going on in my life,
1.) Christmas was great
2.) My mom fractured the bone in her foot
3.)My car is crap, so I'm considering fixing it or buying a new one
4.) Nehemiah will be 3 on Sunday
5.) My birthday is a month away
6.) I got a 4.0 my first semester of school
and that's about it.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...