X is for the X-Factor

The X-Factor I'm referring to isn't the newest UK talent show.

I'm referring to the case of the X boyfriend.

Remember back when I posted here and here about the breakup that was devastating me?

That seems like an entirely different world than the one I'm now living in.

Matter of fact, it seems like an entirely different me.

It doesn't hurt anymore to think about him, but I don't find myself thinking about him all that often.

I'm officially over him and what I thought we had.

I'm not seeing anyone, and I'm not quite sure I really want to.

The company of a male someone would nice, but that's not the main focus of my life right now.

I'm pretty content, although I will admit that sometimes I do get lonely.

In due time my prince will come.

I'm most certain of it.

I will say that I don't think I ever fully healed from the relationships that damaged me the most.

You know, the relationships that started out bad and ended even worse.

The ones that strip you from your self worth, and make you doubt who you really are.

Yeah, I've had two of those.

So now that leaves me with two choices:

1.) get over it and leave the past behind me

2.) dwell on it and ruin future relationships

I think I'll go with option 1.
 
So for this week's Thankful Thursday,
I'm thankful for getting over the breakup
and for being a strong woman who knows what she wants.

T.

A Classic Case of the What-If’s

On Saturday night I was doing the usual, you know homework and checking Facebook. From time to time, I check out the selections Facebook offers on the people I may know, so on Saturday I decided to give it a look.

Oh boy, why didn't I just stick to the homework?!

There it was, in plain sight-my ex's profile picture; him and a girl.

For some unknown reason I just sat there, with my mouth hanging open, staring at the picture. And then it started happening, the classic case of the what-if's. What if this was his girlfriend? What if he lied to me and was seeing us both at the same time? What if he dumped me for her? What if he thinks she's prettier than me {clearly this is not even close to being true-I'm just sayin' J}? What if he lied about his job? These stupid questions kept coming to mind, and they plagued me for most of the night. So much so that I started to call him up and scream at him!

I wanted answers to my questions, and damn it I deserved to know the truth! All my logic was pushed aside. I was pissed off, and I needed to know who this chic was and if she was with my boyfriend ex. Luckily, logic alone wasn't enough for me to go off. I needed reinforcement. So I called one of my good friends.

And thank God for good friends who are there for you during your craziest moments. My friend understood how much seeing the picture hurt me. She understood why I was upset. She understood why I felt I deserved answered.

She understood why I needed to leave the situation as is; finished.

After I talked to my friend, I felt better and the what-if's ceased. They haven't come back and I'm glad. As my friend pointed out, calling him would have changed nothing about the situation. His mind is already made up. And so is mine. I need to move on because he apparently has. And if this chic isn't his girlfriend, it still won't change the situation.

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I discovered this today, on Facebook {I know, I'm an addict}, and this makes me happy.
Stay Sweet!
T.

Easy Difficulties

On most days I can function as a normal human being. I can wake up on time, find matching socks, get Nehemiah up and ready for school, and then get myself dressed. On these days I may even throw on some makeup. I can face the world with confidence.

And then there are days like yesterday.

Nehemiah accidentally fell on top of my laptop and cracked the screen in two corners. It was clearly an accident, and I'm to blame as well seeing I don't store the laptop in a safe place. Lesson learned. However, Nehemiah's behavior was challenging so my patience with him wore very thin. Now whenever Miah has an off day and it starts making me come undone, I become overly critical of myself.

Nehemiah has a bad day equals Thomasina is a bad mommy.

I know this isn't an accurate representation of my parenting, but this is what comes to mind whenever we have a bad day.
Once I got Nehemiah down for bed, I decided to start studying. However, something was wrong.

I started crying.

Everything hit me all at once; single parenting, school, Fibromyalgia, seizures, anxiety, depression. I couldn't seem to stop the tears, they just kept flowing. And then I realized something.

I was also crying about the break up.

Although I still find myself thinking about him, I haven't actually cried in a long time. In fact I thought I was over it. But as the tears kept coming I was forced into being completely honest with myself, and it was time for me to answer a lingering question.

Was I really in love with him as much as I thought I was, or was I in love with the idea that I finally found my soul mate?

Ouch.

I concluded that it was a little bit of both. Yes I did love him, a lot. But I also loved that I didn't have to worry about dating and being alone. I'm not one of those girls who have to have a boyfriend, but it's nice to be wanted. And to know someone is thinking about you. And that someone loves you in that special way. And I don't doubt that he loved me as much as he said he did.

But then again he did dump me.

And I wasn't allowed a say in the matter.

And we haven't talked since.

So as I dried my tears, I decided the break up was no longer worthy of my tears and anguish.

The relationship is over.

The friendship is over.

But my spirit doesn't have to be broken. I'm way too strong for that.

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I woke up this morning to the sun shining bright, and to Nehemiah's smiling face.

He was happy.

I was happy.

And I decided there is enough love in my life to sustain me until my happily ever after is written.

 

Have a wonderful weekend!
T.

 

 

Heartbroken, but Happy…I Think

I can't seem to escape him. When I open my eyes in the morning, and when I close them at night, he's on my mind. I can't escape him while dreaming, because he's there too. How am I going to heal when I can't move past what used to be? I miss him, his voice and his laugh. The phone calls in the middle of the night because of the 6 hour time difference.

He was supposed to be here with me this week for my birthday, but I'll be celebrating without him.

I've had break ups before, but they never hurt like this. I love this man with my soul, and I want to be with him-I still want to be his wife. If he showed up at my door and asked for us to be together again, I'd say yes. I don't want anyone else, I want him! I keep praying that God will show me what's supposed to be, but I'm not open to hear what He may be saying. I'm scared that God will say I have to live my life without the man I love, and that terrifies me. My bestie reminded me that I once lived life before the relationship, so I can live it again. So true, but so hard to breath in. The concept seems toxic.

                                                               -----------------------
Onto some better news. I would like to introduce the latest addition to my family.
Here she is….

                                                                           
                      
Her name is Poppy. My good friend Gwen loves handbags, and she always names her bags. So, I decided to follow in her footsteps, hence the name Poppy! Poppy makes me happy and I sit and pet her often. I know, I need help J

On Friday's shopping trip to the mall, I got some other {needed} stuff too. Then we went to Target {my happy place}, and I got some makeup.  I'm not sure how I feel about the Cover Girl Nature Luxe Gloss Balm.  I bought it in a brown/plum color, but it doesn't really moisturize my lips like I was hoping.  This freezing cold Western, NY weather keeps my lips so chapped and dry, that I was hoping the gloss would help.  I've only worn it a few times, so I'll have to try it out some more before I can really state my opinion.

I also got this nail polish.  It's Opi, and the color is Glitz and Glisten.

I didn't know it at the time, but the name brand nail polish in stores is not the same as the ones you can purchase at a nail salon.  My friend/hair stylist informed me that the polish in the store is actually a watered down version.  I figured it was no big, but I painted my nails last night and it literally took 5 coats before you could even see the purple!  My nails still don't look like the picture.  Oh well, lesson learned.

We were lucky on Friday because the snow held off until we got back home{we went to Buffalo to shop}. However, we're supposed to get a ton of snow tonight, and Nehemiah is hoping for a snow day! Oh, Miah got a pair of overalls and he looks so stinking cute!!! I love this kid!

Stay warm, and stay safe if you're in an area that is expecting snow.  And always stay sweet!

T.

From the Desk of the Broken Hearted

It's been a long time since the last time I blogged. Actually, I think it was in September. Back then I had to stop blogging because of the non-epileptic seizures, which I was having regularly. I went 10 weeks without a seizure, and then last Monday I broke my winning streak. I still feel the effects of the Fibromyalgia, but not as much as I used to. Nehemiah is now four, and handsome as ever! He loves school, and yes I'm still battling his sleeping habits. I'm still in school, and with the seizures I managed to pull off a 3.0 last semester! Not too shabby.

So, why a new blog you ask. I loved my thinkpink247 blog, but it was time to say goodbye. I left 2010 behind me seeing that it was such a difficult year, and unfortunately that meant that I needed to leave thinkpink247 in the past as well. I also didn't export thinkpink247 to this blog, so all my past posts are gone, but it's ok. I now have the chance to really start all over with this blog. So basically it was out with the old, and in with the new.

In October, 2010 I managed to fall in love. However, due to the distance issues the relationship didn't last. In fact, it ended on Saturday. It came as a total surprise, and my heart is heavy and broken. What makes it worse is that he didn't do anything wrong. He tried to look out for my best interest, as well as his own. If he would have cheated on me, or done some horrible thing then maybe this would be easier-I could hate him. But I don't hate him; I still love him-a lot. And this is what makes this breakup so horrific. I don't want to find anyone new. I want to be with him. I had to end all ties with him in order for me to function. I can't hold onto the hope that maybe we'll be back together; I won't be able to move on with my life.

I'm healing, and this process is never easy. I really believe that when we women love, we love hard. We love with our mind, heart, soul, and body. Our whole existence falls in love, which means that it has to fall out of love as well. It's a step-by-step ordeal. Will I ever fall in love again? Most definitely, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Will it be anytime soon? Most definitely not.
Sincerely,
T.