A Classic Case of the What-If’s

On Saturday night I was doing the usual, you know homework and checking Facebook. From time to time, I check out the selections Facebook offers on the people I may know, so on Saturday I decided to give it a look.

Oh boy, why didn't I just stick to the homework?!

There it was, in plain sight-my ex's profile picture; him and a girl.

For some unknown reason I just sat there, with my mouth hanging open, staring at the picture. And then it started happening, the classic case of the what-if's. What if this was his girlfriend? What if he lied to me and was seeing us both at the same time? What if he dumped me for her? What if he thinks she's prettier than me {clearly this is not even close to being true-I'm just sayin' J}? What if he lied about his job? These stupid questions kept coming to mind, and they plagued me for most of the night. So much so that I started to call him up and scream at him!

I wanted answers to my questions, and damn it I deserved to know the truth! All my logic was pushed aside. I was pissed off, and I needed to know who this chic was and if she was with my boyfriend ex. Luckily, logic alone wasn't enough for me to go off. I needed reinforcement. So I called one of my good friends.

And thank God for good friends who are there for you during your craziest moments. My friend understood how much seeing the picture hurt me. She understood why I was upset. She understood why I felt I deserved answered.

She understood why I needed to leave the situation as is; finished.

After I talked to my friend, I felt better and the what-if's ceased. They haven't come back and I'm glad. As my friend pointed out, calling him would have changed nothing about the situation. His mind is already made up. And so is mine. I need to move on because he apparently has. And if this chic isn't his girlfriend, it still won't change the situation.

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I discovered this today, on Facebook {I know, I'm an addict}, and this makes me happy.
Stay Sweet!
T.

Easy Difficulties

On most days I can function as a normal human being. I can wake up on time, find matching socks, get Nehemiah up and ready for school, and then get myself dressed. On these days I may even throw on some makeup. I can face the world with confidence.

And then there are days like yesterday.

Nehemiah accidentally fell on top of my laptop and cracked the screen in two corners. It was clearly an accident, and I'm to blame as well seeing I don't store the laptop in a safe place. Lesson learned. However, Nehemiah's behavior was challenging so my patience with him wore very thin. Now whenever Miah has an off day and it starts making me come undone, I become overly critical of myself.

Nehemiah has a bad day equals Thomasina is a bad mommy.

I know this isn't an accurate representation of my parenting, but this is what comes to mind whenever we have a bad day.
Once I got Nehemiah down for bed, I decided to start studying. However, something was wrong.

I started crying.

Everything hit me all at once; single parenting, school, Fibromyalgia, seizures, anxiety, depression. I couldn't seem to stop the tears, they just kept flowing. And then I realized something.

I was also crying about the break up.

Although I still find myself thinking about him, I haven't actually cried in a long time. In fact I thought I was over it. But as the tears kept coming I was forced into being completely honest with myself, and it was time for me to answer a lingering question.

Was I really in love with him as much as I thought I was, or was I in love with the idea that I finally found my soul mate?

Ouch.

I concluded that it was a little bit of both. Yes I did love him, a lot. But I also loved that I didn't have to worry about dating and being alone. I'm not one of those girls who have to have a boyfriend, but it's nice to be wanted. And to know someone is thinking about you. And that someone loves you in that special way. And I don't doubt that he loved me as much as he said he did.

But then again he did dump me.

And I wasn't allowed a say in the matter.

And we haven't talked since.

So as I dried my tears, I decided the break up was no longer worthy of my tears and anguish.

The relationship is over.

The friendship is over.

But my spirit doesn't have to be broken. I'm way too strong for that.

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I woke up this morning to the sun shining bright, and to Nehemiah's smiling face.

He was happy.

I was happy.

And I decided there is enough love in my life to sustain me until my happily ever after is written.

 

Have a wonderful weekend!
T.

 

 

Almost Doesn’t Count

I haven't posted in awhile because I had to kick my butt into full gear for school. Of course this didn't happen until after I discovered that I had screwed up the deadline for a major course project. Typically all assignments are due on Saturday by midnight {remember I attend online}, but the course project was due on a Wednesday! Needless to say, I effed up big time.
By the time I realized I had effed up it was Friday, so I got busy writing my paper. However, my thoughts just couldn't come together. To be frank, the paper sucked. By the afternoon I had shut my computer down, and I started having a breakdown. Seriously, I broke down. I kept crying hysterically and wondering if maybe I had taken on too much. Being a single parent with Fibromyalgia and seizures leaves a lot on my plate. I know I wasn't being rational, but I had decided that I was quitting. There were only 1.5 weeks left in the course, but enough was enough. I was done. Why did I ever think I could go back to school and succeed at it? That thought made me form the conclusion that I was not only quitting the course; I was quitting school all together.
Prior to two years ago, all I ever wanted was to go back to school-and actually see it all the way through. I went to college right after high school, but two semesters prior to graduation I dropped out. I had decided I no longer wanted to be a teacher, and I was too invested in the school of love, or so I thought. I try not to live with regret, but this is one of the biggest regrets I carry around with me. And here I was again, ready to quit.
Luckily, I regained my common sense after talking with a very good friend of mine. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that you can succeed, and that quitting is not an option. I can't quit whenever life gets hard. If quitting were always an option, I wouldn't be half the mother I am today because let me tell you, parenting is one of the hardest things I have EVER done!
So, Saturday morning I woke up nice and early and began working on my paper. Now let me remind you, I could have lied to avoid losing points once I turned the paper in. But I didn't lie; I screwed up the due date, so I took my punishment like a champ. I lost 30 points for turning in the paper late, but the loss of those points taught me one very valuable lesson.

Pay attention to all freaking deadlines!

I start my next class tomorrow, and I can assure you that all due dates will be marked in my planner.


Have a great week, and always stay sweet!
T.

I Heart…

I wanted to post yesterday so that I could wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day, but I was really under the weather. Needless to say, there wasn't a whole lot going on at my house in the way of love. Well…I can't really say that, Nehemiah and I were extra loveable {he's such a little heart throb}.
I didn't know how I was going to react to the big V-Day. I wasn't sure if the day was going to bring up feelings of loneliness, or feelings of anger that I was yet again spending this day alone. Surprisingly, I didn't experience any of those feelings. I actually felt blessed. Very blessed that my life is extremely filled with love. I have a few friendships that have come and gone, and although it hurt to say goodbye, I've accepted it. Those failed friendships have allowed me to really appreciate those who are actively in my life. So, to my family and friends who are there for me during the good and the bad, I Love You!
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Sticking with the theme of love, I decided to share some of the things I heart. Here goes…

1.) Garnier Fructis Gel-Cream Moisturizer   

I absolutely heart this stuff! It leaves my skin feeling refreshed, and it's soothing. Plus, it smells wonderful.

  

2.) FIT makeup by Maybelline

I embarked on a very long journey to find a foundation and powder that didn't look caked on my face, and I've finally found it. I have the foundation, concealer, powder, and blush and it makes my face look natural. I actually stumbled upon these lovelies in a magazine {I think it was Cosmo}. There was an advertisement that had every shade of the FIT foundation, so I was able to try on the different shades to find my perfect FIT {my FIT number is 315}. I heart this stuff so much that I had to buy it for my mom! It was an early V-Day gift, and now she loves it too.

3.) Gilligan & O'Malley Pajamas from Target 

The pants and tees are the most comfortable pj's I have ever worn. They come in all different patterns and colors, and they're really cheap!

4.) Glade's Lavender & Vanilla scent
I have Glade Plug-In's all throughout my house, and I'm neurotic when it comes to making sure the same scent is carried through in each room. I have Glade Sense & Spray's in my bathroom and backroom, and the fragrances don't over power the small spaces.

5.) Bear Naked Fruit and Nut Granola
This is by far the greatest stuff I have ever tasted! Eating a good tasting, good for you breakfast has been a struggle for me, but not anymore. I add the fruit and nut granola to my Activia, and poof, I've created a terrific breakfast.






I recently purchased some new tunes that I want to share, but unfortunately I have to go work on homework, so I'll have to save that for next time.


Stay Sweet!
Thomasina

A Wonderful Time

Sorry I was vacant last week, but I was busy studying for midterms. I took the midterms on Saturday, so I'm praying I did well. Last week was also a little difficult because I didn't sleep well. I was restless, and I just couldn't get my body out of work mode. I slept very well the last few nights, and I hope good sleep continues. Perhaps being tired all the time, without the ability to get rested, is the most frustrating part of Fibromyalgia!
Prior to the breakup I was sleeping extremely well. And even though I'm still hurting, I really think I have finally entered into the healing process. I miss him a lot {which is to be expected}, but I'm starting to remember that single life is okay. I'll survive without the relationship. I may not like being single, but I'll survive. I still find myself wishing he'd call so I could hear his voice, but I don't cry anymore while wishing. I have some friends who suggest that I pick up and start dating again. I don't know if I'm ready for all that yet, but I have to remember that dating doesn't necessarily equal relationship…
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I celebrated my 29^th birthday on Sunday, and it was wonderful. I'm so blessed to have many people in my life who love and appreciate me. It was nice being with my family.
I'm sorry this is such a short post, but I'm bombarded with school work, and I'm really struggling to stay awake. Pray for my strength because I'm ready to say good night and it's only 3:36pm!
Stay Sweet!
Thomasina

Heartbroken, but Happy…I Think

I can't seem to escape him. When I open my eyes in the morning, and when I close them at night, he's on my mind. I can't escape him while dreaming, because he's there too. How am I going to heal when I can't move past what used to be? I miss him, his voice and his laugh. The phone calls in the middle of the night because of the 6 hour time difference.

He was supposed to be here with me this week for my birthday, but I'll be celebrating without him.

I've had break ups before, but they never hurt like this. I love this man with my soul, and I want to be with him-I still want to be his wife. If he showed up at my door and asked for us to be together again, I'd say yes. I don't want anyone else, I want him! I keep praying that God will show me what's supposed to be, but I'm not open to hear what He may be saying. I'm scared that God will say I have to live my life without the man I love, and that terrifies me. My bestie reminded me that I once lived life before the relationship, so I can live it again. So true, but so hard to breath in. The concept seems toxic.

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Onto some better news. I would like to introduce the latest addition to my family.
Here she is….

                                                                           
                      
Her name is Poppy. My good friend Gwen loves handbags, and she always names her bags. So, I decided to follow in her footsteps, hence the name Poppy! Poppy makes me happy and I sit and pet her often. I know, I need help J

On Friday's shopping trip to the mall, I got some other {needed} stuff too. Then we went to Target {my happy place}, and I got some makeup.  I'm not sure how I feel about the Cover Girl Nature Luxe Gloss Balm.  I bought it in a brown/plum color, but it doesn't really moisturize my lips like I was hoping.  This freezing cold Western, NY weather keeps my lips so chapped and dry, that I was hoping the gloss would help.  I've only worn it a few times, so I'll have to try it out some more before I can really state my opinion.

I also got this nail polish.  It's Opi, and the color is Glitz and Glisten.

I didn't know it at the time, but the name brand nail polish in stores is not the same as the ones you can purchase at a nail salon.  My friend/hair stylist informed me that the polish in the store is actually a watered down version.  I figured it was no big, but I painted my nails last night and it literally took 5 coats before you could even see the purple!  My nails still don't look like the picture.  Oh well, lesson learned.

We were lucky on Friday because the snow held off until we got back home{we went to Buffalo to shop}. However, we're supposed to get a ton of snow tonight, and Nehemiah is hoping for a snow day! Oh, Miah got a pair of overalls and he looks so stinking cute!!! I love this kid!

Stay warm, and stay safe if you're in an area that is expecting snow.  And always stay sweet!

T.

A Fabulous Life?

I was so excited to watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion last night.  It was great, and I can’t wait to see the second half next week.  I’m hoping that Camille {who I love to hate} and Kyle can put their differences aside, and agree to disagree so they can move on!

On another note, I was thinking about life and all that good stuff which goes along with it.  This led me to the question, how do you know if you’re living your best, most fabulous life?  What is the basis of a fabulous life?  Often our society places much emphasis on the material aspects of life, such as how much money you have, the kind of car you drive, and your style of clothing.  Oh, and don’t forget to include the type of shoes on your feet.

Personally, I don’t feel that material objects justify a fabulous life.  In the midst of the chaos, I know that I am fabulously blessed.  I have more than I need, and I have never gone without.  Not to mention that I have the most awesomemest {this is a word from the Thomasina dictionary} kid one could ask for!  Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the material aspects of this life as well.  I hope that one day my life does become even more fabulous, so that I can enjoy some of the material stuff.  For instance, designer handbags would look quite lovely in my closet!  I wouldn’t mind designer labels occupying my hangers as well.  I just know that too much focus on material goods can definitely lead to an unfabulous life.

Well my sweets, it’s time for me to start my day. This entails cleaning my house, and then retail therapy with my mom.  My fingers are crossed that it doesn’t snow!

Enjoy your weekend, and remember to stay sweet!

T.