Unclear

I don't want to wallow on-and-on about this breakup, but there's more. The ex and I knew each other for years, and getting married was in our future {or so I thought}. There was even a ring. He purchased it, but luckily I didn't get or see it. It would have destroyed me. This leaves me wondering how you can love someone so much, and then turn around and let them go; all while professing your love for them in the same breath.

I know this was about him and not me, but I'm left feeling like something is wrong-with me. I asked my family/friends if I'm really some awful person, but no one has the guts to tell me. But then logic sinks in, and I realize that I have a good heart. My pain management therapist is very wise, and she told that if I could attract such a great guy once, I could do it again and this time he would be even better. Hopefully he'd be the one.

I feel like my clock is ticking. I'll be 29 in a few weeks, and I'm still not married! I'm not sure if I want more children, but that decision needs to be considered rarely soon, especially because I'm high risk due to the Fibro and seizures. I know there's no written rule that you have to be married in your twenties, but I never expected to be single in my late twenties. I was comfortable being single, but then I got used to being with someone, although we didn't get to see each other often due to his career.

The good thing is I can't cry today; I have a cold and my head is full and stuffy, so if I cried my head probably would explode!!

Enough about the breakup. I have some rather good news to share-I checked my grade book {I go to school online}, and my average so far for my public speaking course is a 94! Woo Hoo! I'm praying I can keep this up. I'm also praying that this head cold clears up because I have an awesome weekend planned. Retail therapy with my mom!

By the way, I was able to import my past posts from thinkpink247, so if you're new to the blog check out the old posts!

Happy Thursday everyone, and remember to stay sweet!!
T.

From the Desk of the Broken Hearted

It's been a long time since the last time I blogged. Actually, I think it was in September. Back then I had to stop blogging because of the non-epileptic seizures, which I was having regularly. I went 10 weeks without a seizure, and then last Monday I broke my winning streak. I still feel the effects of the Fibromyalgia, but not as much as I used to. Nehemiah is now four, and handsome as ever! He loves school, and yes I'm still battling his sleeping habits. I'm still in school, and with the seizures I managed to pull off a 3.0 last semester! Not too shabby.

So, why a new blog you ask. I loved my thinkpink247 blog, but it was time to say goodbye. I left 2010 behind me seeing that it was such a difficult year, and unfortunately that meant that I needed to leave thinkpink247 in the past as well. I also didn't export thinkpink247 to this blog, so all my past posts are gone, but it's ok. I now have the chance to really start all over with this blog. So basically it was out with the old, and in with the new.

In October, 2010 I managed to fall in love. However, due to the distance issues the relationship didn't last. In fact, it ended on Saturday. It came as a total surprise, and my heart is heavy and broken. What makes it worse is that he didn't do anything wrong. He tried to look out for my best interest, as well as his own. If he would have cheated on me, or done some horrible thing then maybe this would be easier-I could hate him. But I don't hate him; I still love him-a lot. And this is what makes this breakup so horrific. I don't want to find anyone new. I want to be with him. I had to end all ties with him in order for me to function. I can't hold onto the hope that maybe we'll be back together; I won't be able to move on with my life.

I'm healing, and this process is never easy. I really believe that when we women love, we love hard. We love with our mind, heart, soul, and body. Our whole existence falls in love, which means that it has to fall out of love as well. It's a step-by-step ordeal. Will I ever fall in love again? Most definitely, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Will it be anytime soon? Most definitely not.
Sincerely,
T.

Another Update

I'm still undecided if I'm going to post about the seizures, but I wanted to give everyone an update anyway. I'm doing better, but I can tell that it's going to be a long journey ahead of me. Managing the seizures plus the Fibro is difficult. However, today I feel much better than I've felt in a really long time! I appreciate all the prayers and good thoughts that have come my way. I'm trying to keep my spirits up because it's quite easy to fall into a pity party. Nehemiah has been so good to me, and he insists on taking care of his mama! I'm so blessed to have him as my son. This journey has also proved that I am much loved, so thanks to everyone who has called, emailed, or texted me! It really means a lot.

Diagnosis

I wanted to let you all know that I haven't forgotten about you or my blog, but I have some pretty major stuff going on. I have been diagnosed with non-epileptic seizures, and this has been a rough road for both me and my family. So please continue to pray for me and allow me to deal with this diagnosis. I'm still undecided if this journey will be something that I openly post about, or if this is something I deal with privately. Thanks for being understanding.

Weekend Rewind

I'm so proud to say that for the past three nights…NEHEMIAH HAS BEEN SLEEPING IN HIS OWN ROOM!!!! I'm praying that this accomplishment lasts this time. I have no problem admitting that I'm at fault just as much, if not more, to blame for this bedtime catastrophe. There have even been a few instances in which I have gone into his bedroom and carried him back to my room. Reason being, he's my security blanket…okay it's more like I'm a control freak and feel like I have more control over the unknown if Nehemiah is near me {I know, I need to relax}. Yes, I'm a believer and I know full well,

Psalm 4:8
In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe.

However when my mind starts in on all the "what if's," I sometime let fear and worry overtake me. This is something I can promise you that I'm working on and of course praying about.

Friday night we had a special meeting at church in regards to some very important changes. A few months ago our beloved pastor went home to be with Jesus, and since then his son has taken over as our pastor. Although our new pastor is not an unknown face to our congregation, getting used to a new leader has become a challenge for me. The death of my pastor was difficult because he had been my pastor for literally my entire life! How do you just let go and automatically fall under the leadership of someone new?

On Friday we became aware of some changes that our new pastor wants to propose, and I just don't know if I can continue to roll with the punches. I love my church, and the members have really grown in faith and dedication to the Lord. We have one goal in common; to make it to Heaven some day. I am the youth leader and I'm also in charge of children's church, but I've been quite stagnant with my youth group responsibilities for various reasons. Now that I have more free time, I want to get back to my youth group duties.

However, I'm torn between staying at the church where I have been my whole life, compared to just packing up and going someplace new. Just like a job, every church will have their own set of unique problems, so I can't run to a new church and expect things to be perfect all the time. I would have to visit other churches in my town to determine where Nehemiah and I would go to worship, and frankly I'm not too keen on that idea. All I know is that I will not make a move without knowing full well that I'm doing what's best for Nehemiah and me. So until that day comes, I will continue seeking God for direction.

Saturday morning I woke up and did some cleaning and laundry. Now, I know most people don't get excited about cleaning and laundry but here's why this is so special. Cleaning used to exhaust me, and my body ached so bad that I just didn't have the stamina to get my house in order. Not to mention tackling the basement stairs while carrying a laundry basket was a nightmare for both my legs and my hands. I haven't carried a laundry basket down to the basement since the end of May {don't worry; my mom took care of the laundry for me because she's a great mommy!}. After the laundry was washed, I was even able to hang some of the clothes on the line so that they could dry outside {one of my efforts in making my household more Green}! I can't wait to tell my occupational therapist about this milestone.

Saturday evening Nehemiah, Raheem {my nephew, in case you forgot}, and I went to the MOPS {mothers of preschoolers} family picnic. My nephew, his girlfriend, and their three-month-old son {whom I just love to pieces} went too. The picnic was to kick off the new year of MOPS, and I wasn't too sure if I was going to attend after receiving the invitation. The MOPS chapter in my town meets at a local church, and I've heard great things about the program but wasn't sure if I wanted to attend. This was mainly because at the time I had so many time constraints, but now that my evenings are pretty open I decided to venture out and try something new. I also wasn't sure if the other parents would treat me differently because I'm a single parent. I only knew two women at the picnic, but I met some awesome mamas who were more than willing to welcome Miah and me. Child care is provided during the meetings, so Miah gets to come to the meetings with me! Meeting other moms is always a wonderful way to build a support network, so I really think this a great opportunity. The first meeting is in a few weeks, so I'll have to post some updates.

Sunday was wet, rainy, and a little cold {I smell fall in the air-and I'm a little excited}. We ate breakfast and then got ready to head out to church. We had an amazing church service, and my soul felt refreshed. When we got back home some of the family came over, so we spent the afternoon hanging out watching movies. Nehemiah and Raheem went outside for a little bit and managed to get mud all over their arms, legs, hands, and back! Then they both proceeded to walk into the house with the mud. I almost blew a gasket! Luckily the mud was more attracted to the boys than to my carpet! Needless to say, days like that remind me of the reason I only have one child! But just as my mom says, "boys will be boys." I say, "thank goodness for washer machines, soap, and water!"

Nehemiah had a rough afternoon, and by evening I had grown tired of the whining and crying. By dinner time I had exhausted myself with redirecting him that I handled a situation simply by giving him a kiss and telling him that I loved him. We both had a much better evening after that. Better, not perfect, but in those crazy moments you really learn how to pick your battles. My friend Lisa and her kids came over for dinner, so Nehemiah was happy to have some more buddies over and his behavior improved dramatically. He ended up falling asleep quite early, so I blame tiredness for his behavior.

I hope you all had a fabulous weekend, and I hope you have an even better week!!!

Motherhood

On Tuesday I had the procedure done to determine what's going on with my tummy. The procedure determined that there is nothing extremely problematic going on, which is a blessing! I have a follow-up with the specialist in a few weeks, and I have to meet with my primary doctor soon. My primary doctor thinks it may be Crohn's Disease or Colitis. Both are easy fixes and although I don't want either, I'm so thankful that cancer isn't something we have to consider. I'm feeling pretty great today {I had a versed reaction to the pain meds, so I was ill for the past few days}, and luckily my Fibro pain is at a 1 today {my pain is measured on a scale of 0-10 with 0 being no pain and 10 being severe pain}. Nehemiah has been praying for me every day, and he's been such a big help around the house. I fall more in love with him every day! He has such a servant's heart, and I'm so thankful God blessed me with a wonderful son.

So, I spent all afternoon and evening composing my wish list for the fall fashion items that I adore and guess what, I can't get the stupid pictures to show up!!!! Grrrr, talk about irritating. Anyway, I haven't posted since last week so I figured I needed to get something up soon, which brings to the topic of motherhood. I love being a mom, but being a single mom can be complicated and let's face it, challenging. Earlier today I had a conversation with another single mom, and we discussed what could have possibly attracted us to the fathers of our children. I explained that although we are not the "typical" family, I wouldn't change any aspect of my life. If it wasn't for Nehemiah's father, I wouldn't have Nehemiah. No matter how much I hate to admit that, it's the truth. I have an awesome little guy, and I would travel down that road over and over again just to get to Nehemiah.

I used to be guilty of wishing my life was more like the fabulous lives of my friends. This included being skinny, having money, having a husband, owning a home, driving a new car, being able to go shopping all the time, and traveling {call me shallow, I can take it}. Then I realized that my life isn't so bad. I have what I need, and I've been lucky enough to usually get some of the things that I want. If I lived the life of someone else, my life would be lacking one very important thing; the ability to be Nehemiah's mama. The thought of that makes me nauseated because I love my son so much. So although this rode is bumpy, and I sometimes have to cry myself to sleep, I wouldn't want to live the life of anyone else. Being Thomasina means that I get to be called mama, and that's a name I never grow tired of hearing!

Don't forget Project Runway tonight. I'm so hoping Casanova goes home; I just don't think he has what it takes to make it.

Contentment

Having Fibromyalgia apparently means that other body parts and or organs feel like they have permission to misbehave. I have been having some tummy issues, and today I met with the specialist and next Tuesday I will be having a procedure done. Only after the procedure will we know for sure what's going on. Tomorrow is my third cranial sacral therapy {a form of occupational therapy used for pain management} session, and so far it has worked wonders for my pain. I can actually remember how great feeling "normal" is!

Nehemiah is peachy, and he has been loving these long {and did I mention hot and humid} summer days. He went to vacation Bible school last week and was so sad when Friday came around. I found out that we have a Christian elementary school here in town, so I'm thinking that once Nehemiah gets closer to kindergarten I will have to check it out.

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I purchased a magazine on Friday, and Jennifer Hudson was on the cover. She looks amazing {of course}, but after reading the article I was a little discouraged. Now, I'm not sure what sparked Jennifer Hudson's weight loss, and although she is now a size 6 I thought she was beautiful at a size 16. Why is it that women are only "beautiful" when they're skinny? Who decided that being thin was the goal that most women would spend their existence trying to reach? This drives me nuts! I was at the gym 5 days a week, but I had to stop going because of some health issues. It felt good having time to myself for a little while every day, but I felt like I was killing myself because every move and decision I made resulted around my weight. I'm not over weight nor unhealthy, all I wanted was to look like everyone else; skinny.

There, I said it…I'm guilty of doing the very thing I cannot stand for women to do-compare themselves. It seems that we always want something else, never being content where we are. We should never become stagnant or complacent; in fact we should strive to become better individuals. My point is we miss the greatness of today if we're too busy hoping for what tomorrow may or may not bring. The truth is I weigh what I weigh, and I wear the size that I wear. I'm curvy, always have been even when I wore a much smaller pant size. I'm healthy and that's no longer something I take lightly. I'm never going to look like the people I see on television, and that's okay. Those people are not me, and they don't live the great life that God handcrafted just for me. Of course things could be better in my life…much easier perhaps. However, I don't think I would be as strong as I am if I lived the life of someone else {or walked a mile or two in their skinny jeans}.

And that strength my friend is what brings me contentment.