Frustrations

Yesterday, I had a difficult time with everything I attempted to accomplish. I woke up aching more than usual, and I was so fatigued I couldn't see straight. It turns out that I didn't take my pain pill before I went to bed Friday night. My mom took Nehemiah, and I went back to sleep. However, when I awoke from my nap, I felt as though I hadn't slept at all. I have learned how to deal with the daily aches and pains that come with the Fibromyalgia; I have not learned how to deal with the chronic fatigue. This is where the frustration sets in; I never feel rested. If I don't take a sleeping pill at night, I will not fall asleep. And guess what, I still don't sleep throughout the night with the sleeping pill. It's been a long time since I have experienced a good night's sleep. From what I have read in my Fibromyalgia book, chronic fatigue is the hardest thing to get under control. I pray that one day; the restful sleep will come back.

Now to the good stuff; the man friend. The man friend was supposed to come over last night, but we had a difference of opinions. He has made it clear that he's ready for a serious relationship. This is not an easy commitment because I don't come alone; Nehemiah and I are a packaged deal. He has also made it clear that he's ready for the packaged deal. I am in awe that this amazing man is ready to love me and my son. Now here's the kicker; man friend feels that I am making him pay for the mistakes of the men who have hurt me before. I am all about taking things slow; man friend says he will patient with me, but I need to stop thinking that he will turn out to be like the other men I have dated in the past. I have been hurt so badly before. No one will ever understand the bruises on my heart; the brokenness of my soul. I know that man friend is not like the others, but my mind keeps coming up with all these "what if's" scenarios. He wants to spend more time with Nehemiah and he understands my hesitation. I don't want Nehemiah to get attached to the man friend because of the possibility that maybe this relationship won't work out. Man friend told me that I need to take a chance on love and allow myself to be loved. See why I really like man friend? How do I get over my fears because I don't want to mess this up?

Friday

This morning after Nehemiah woke up; he decided to come join me in my bed. He's doing so well sleeping in his bedroom.

I'm so proud of him!

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Nothing too eventful happened today, and that is just fine by me. I had minimal pain, so overall it was a good day.

Tonight, the man friend is coming over for a movie night. I guess a hint of excitement is appropriate, but what kind of pessimist would I be if I didn't second guess everything?

My online session is finished next Friday, so I will be busy this weekend finalizing my research paper. I will also be putting away tons and tons of laundry. At least it's all clean and folded.

On a good great note, I have lost more weight. I purchased a cheapy belt last weekend, and when I put it on for the first time this morning, it was too big! I love that I'm losing weight, but I just went shopping last month for smaller clothes, and now they're too big! I guess that means more shopping. I'm so heartbroken.

I want to start exercising again, but I have to be extremely cautious because of the Fibro. If anyone has any recommendations on great Pilates or Yoga dvd's, please let me know. I wanted to start running this summer (I actually wanted to start last summer), but as of right now, my legs can't take it. Maybe once the Fibro gets more under control; my legs won't bother me so much. A girl can hope.

Apparently, more people are reading my blog; they just haven't become a follower yet (hint hint).

Happy Friday!

This was me yesterday morning. The significance of the picture; I'm wearing makeup, and I finally changed my nose ring, which you can't see. This seems like no big deal except that I haven't worn makeup for about 3 weeks! My arms and hands ache tremendously in the morning, so by the time I'm finished taking a shower, washing my hair, getting dressed, and brushing my teeth, there is no energy left for applying makeup. This is a major bummer because I love makeup. I had a great day yesterday; little to no pain, which is why I got to wear makeup. At church on Sunday, I got the chance to talk to another member who also has Fibro. She gave me a list of foods that I should be eating. The list of foods I shouldn't be eating is much longer (can you hear the sadness). I had to find out the hard way that Chinese food will leave me feeling like death the following morning. Good bye sesame chicken.

Now, here is what I woke up to this morning. We have a weather advisory for my county and the county I work in. I prayed for a snow day and unfortunately didn't get one; God and I will be chatting later. Remember that my arms and hands ache in the morning (actually everything aches this morning), so there was no way I was going to clean off all that snow. Thank goodness my mom loves me; she came over (that's her house you see) and cleaned the snow off my truck. Surprisingly, the roads were all clear and my commute wasn't too bad. I hope I can say the same for the drive home. Keeping my fingers crossed that spring will decide to come early.

TMI

I know that in order to get people to follow your blog, you have to actually post something frequently. We all know that this is not one of my strong points. I have a ton of stuff that I could post, but I'm not sure if I want to. If I share my deepest thoughts and special moments, then are they really that deep and special?

One thing that I will share is that I have recently been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. My Fibro is considered severe and I usually have more bad days than good. I have an amazing physician and we're working together to determine what works for me and what doesn't. My legs bother me the most and I don't sleep well at night (even with medication). I've read that those of us with Fibro don't get into R.E.M sleep because our muscles don't relax. So, for the time being my posts will be about living with Fibromyalgia.

The sorta big news is that I'm dating someone! We're not in a committed relationship, but it's a possibility down the road. I won't go into names and too much information, but he's a great guy and I'm taking everything one day at a time. I figured I share this with you seeing that not too long ago, I posted about how bad I wanted to meet someone! The universe has finally heard my cry!

I think that being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia has opened my eyes to some things that I need to change. Because I don't often feel well, my tolerance for people has decreased substantially. I discovered that I'm only interested in keeping those friendships that thrive on give and take. I have to take care of myself in order to get this Fibro under control, and that means that I need love and support. The people who have proven to be supportive and loving are the ones who call or text me regularly, even just to ask how I'm feeling. I don't even mind those who check up on me through face*book. So, if I told you about my diagnoses and you don't have time to hear me whine, leave me alone and I'll call you when a cure has been developed!

It's really amazing to me that those who are supposed to be my nearest and dearest, only call to tell me about their problems; never stopping to ask about me. I'm not going to apologize for being selfish, but a friendship is supposed to be half and half; just like a romantic relationship.

Those who can't step up to the plate in my family better watch out too, or they just may end up going straight to voicemail whenever they call ! (I got a Smart*phone last Sunday, and I love the "straight to voicemail" option that you can assign to phone numbers).

Smooches

The Red Shirt

We all know that certain smells can remind you of a memory. For example, whenever I smell Bath and Body Work's Warm Vanilla Sugar, I'm taken back to college. I was sitting outside, minding my own business, when a girl in my class informed me that my boyfriend liked her roommate and was coming to their dorm all the time! I already had suspicions that my boyfriend liked this girl, so I was devastated to hear someone actually comment on his feelings out loud. Needless to say, that relationship ended shortly after, and so did my relationship with the scent.

The same thing happens whenever I see this red shirt. I'm taken back to the horrible days I had while wearing this shirt. The first time I wore the shirt, my family became the victims of a horrible lie. A lie that has been exposed, but still manages to damage us. The second time I wore the shirt was the day of Nehemiah's last visit with his father. We all know what happened there.

I didn't want to throw the shirt away, so I buried it in my dresser. I had it in my closet, but I couldn't stomach seeing it every day. Yesterday while putting laundry away, I came across the red shirt. Instantly, tears came to my eyes and I became angry and afraid all over again. How can an inanimate object have so much control over my emotions? I immediately re-buried the shirt, snapped out of my depression, and continued watching Glee (bought season 1 on DVD and I love it; let's not forget that I don't have cable).

Why do I keep the shirt? It's a reminder of what I've been through. I don't want to forget and become complacent. It reminds me that I have to be strong, even when I am un-humanly weak. It reminds me to not let my emotions make decisions for me. It reminds me to fight like hell for those I love. Maybe it's not a good thing that I keep the shirt. However, when I dig up that red shirt and think, "What's this doing here," without breaking down; that is the day I can officially bury the red shirt.

Social Matters

I had a really hard time on New Year's Eve. It was yet another reminder that I was ending the year alone and going into the New Year alone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for my family and my friends, but it would be nice to have someone there for me. Does that make sense?
It would be nice to have someone (other than my mama) ask me how my day was, or to just listen to me vent my day's worth of frustrations.

On the other hand, I've been hurt so badly before that it's sometimes easier to just be alone. So here I am, stuck between the, "I don't want to be alone anymore," and the "I'm safe by myself" zone. I think the in-between place would be for me to date and check out my options before making a commitment of any sort. That sounds easy right? Wrong!

Well I haven't "dated" since 2006, and there is no one romantically interested. Just the same, there is no one currently catching my eye either. I don't know how to come out of the mom role and be; well, sexy and flirty. It's not that I don't want to be mom all the time, but I do think that I deserve some me time.

Am I focusing too much on myself because I want a social life?

How The Time Passed

I fell ill the day after Thanksgiving and did not get better until the week before Christmas. The culprit; swine flu. I'm all better now, except for the fact that my ears hurt.
Any how, here is an update on what's been going on in my life,
1.) Christmas was great
2.) My mom fractured the bone in her foot
3.)My car is crap, so I'm considering fixing it or buying a new one
4.) Nehemiah will be 3 on Sunday
5.) My birthday is a month away
6.) I got a 4.0 my first semester of school
and that's about it.