The Dream

So, for the last few nights I keep having these recurring dreams.

The dream; I'm so embarrassed and I can't believe I'm writing about it.

The dream is that I'm having an affair with a married or committed man.

Now, let me just say that I have the most respect for marriage and I

would NEVER be the other woman. The same goes for men who are committed. If you are

taken, then you are not available and that's my stance. And no, I don't buy the..."we're only

together for the kids", or the..."my wife/girlfriend doesn't understand me". Plus, Jesus says....

Matthew 19:5-6 (New International Version)
5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

I will not be responsible for coming in between a man and his wife, or a man and his girlfriend for

that matter. I believe that divorce is so prominent in our society because people don't respect

marriage anymore. This is why these dreams drive me absolutely bonkers! The other crazy

thing is I don't have feelings for anyone right now, so I'm not sure why I keep having these

dreams. Sometimes I know the man who I'm having the affair with, and other times I have no

clue who he is! What is wrong with me!

To Ponder

And this is where I am today.

Full of questions.

Does it ever feel like you woke up one morning and BOOM, you're an adult?

When did I become that girl who goes to bed at 9 pm every night and gets up at 7 am (6:30 on a good day) even on weekends? And how did sleeping until 8 am qualify as sleeping in? What happened to the days of staying up all night and sleeping until noon the next day?

When did I become the girl who has to watch what she eats? Long are the days of pizza, chicken wings, and burgers everyday for lunch.

When did I become the girl who plans everything out? From shopping lists to my daily schedule. When did "go with the flow" retire?

When did I become the girl whose thighs are so close together they can call each other by name? What happened to the thighs that once lived miles apart from one another?

What happened to the boobs ladies and gentlemen? No amount of gravity can keep these babies where they need to be. Whatever did I do to deserve this punishment? I didn't even nurse for goodness sake!

What happened to time? There is no such thing as free time anymore. If someone finds it hiding, please tell it to make a stop by my home!

And last, but not least; what the frick happened to dating? Once upon a time, this girl was never single. In fact, I was fighting men off. I would have a boyfriend, but have a backup list of guys who I could date at anytime, and no, I was not promiscuous.

Oh where, oh where have these things gone? Oh where, oh where could they be? More important, can I ever get them back. Especially the mile apart thighs! Come on, haven't I suffered enough!!!

The Audacity of Those Who Lack Common Sense

Last Wednesday Nehemiah had a very bad visit with his father. For the sake of time let's just say that Miah will not be visiting with his dad until further notice. I am extremely frustrated by this man's lack of common sense. He goes for months without so much as a phone call, then when he shows up, he thinks all is well. I made myself quite clear last week that he ruined the opportunity for further visits with Miah.
The hard part; reassuring a 2 1/2 year old that there is normality and consistency in his life. I sat Miah down and explained some things to him. I decided that no longer am I going to make excuses as to why he doesn't see daddy all the time. I told him that daddy loves him and I gave Miah the choice of deciding when he wants to spend time with daddy. When Miah decides he wants to see his dad it will be at our home and I will be there. I also told Miah that he can call daddy whenever he wants.
The part that hurts. Miah is worried that if he doesn't go to his dad's house he will "make daddy sad." My son shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to go back to a place where he felt unsafe and afraid! This is what really gets me, since the incident last week his father has asked for another visit! The audacity of this man. What on earth would possibly give him the idea that he would ever have the option again to take Nehemiah for a visit! After talking to my parent's lawyer last week, I know that I have the right to deny all visitation that is not mutually agreed upon. Although I'm angry, I will continue to put Miah's best interest ahead of my feelings. When Miah is ready to see and talk to his father again, he will; under my terms.

Past and Present

As the days go by, I discover more about myself than I knew before. Last year during this time I embarked on a journey to determine who this Thomasina person really was. Everything had turned up side down and I questioned everything I thought I already knew.

Now, a year later I can say that I know who I am.

I know who I am as an individual, a mom, a Christian etc. I've learned that what makes me tick or what ticks me off is okay. I can now say no to others without feeling bad. I can let things slide off my back. I can handle life with a tighter grip.

I can love me while looking fabulous or normal. I no longer worry what other people think because it doesn't matter.

I can accept criticism and avoid being judgemental. I can determine if a situation in my life will matter in the long run.

I made it through one of the biggest challenges in my life, and I would do it all over again if it meant becoming the woman that I am.

Compliment or Diss

When people say, "Your face looks so much smaller, have you lost weight," are they complimenting you on your weight loss success or are they really saying, "Oh, you don't look so fat anymore!"

My Weekend

My weekend started on Friday and ended on Saturday for this week. This is because I woke up Friday and couldn't get out of bed. It looked like someone kicked me in both knees and stepped on my feet while they were at! I had the most horrible pain in my back, so bad that my mom didn't want to leave me alone! I'm blessed to say that the swelling is down and the pain is gone, so I'm working today to make up the missed day on Friday.

Yesterday was quite a busy day for us. In the morning Nehemiah had to go for his flu shot. He was a bit freaked out about getting a poke, but it did help that Raheem (my nephew) had to get one too. Nehemiah really started to freak out when I had to break the news to him that our regular nurse was no longer there (I found this news out when I was signing Miah in). However, our other trusty nurse was there, so all was good. The boys did awesome with the shots! No tears or screams. The nurse said she had experienced her fair share of freak outs when giving shots. For example, an 11 year old kicked a hole in the wall and had to have 2 people calm him down. Two thumbs up for my boys being soldiers!!!

In the afternoon I had to go to the mall in Rochester to find shoes. I can only wear shoes that have rubber soles or it throws my alignment off, which throws off my balance, which results in swollen knees and bad back pain. I wasn't sure how this trip was going to go seeing that Miah had just gotten a shot, but he was fine. My 7 year old niece spent the weekend with us, so he was happy to have someone in the back seat with him. Not to mention that my 15 and 18 year old nephews joined us (can you tell that my nieces and nephews love their aunt).

After going into about 4 stores and trying on countless pairs of shoes, I was frustrated that I could not find one pair of shoes that didn't hurt my feet. I decided to try one more store before heading back home. We went into Lands End and I found a cute pair of shoes with rubber soles that didn't hurt my feet and didn't look like old lady shoes! I'm quite happy with my purchase, not to mention how well behaved Nehemiah was in each store (maybe the french fries I got from the food court helped!)

Last night we went over to Lisa's for our usual Saturday night dinner. The kids were all playing when all of a sudden Nehemiah started screaming at the top of his lungs. I went to see what happened and it turned out that his finger got pinched in the door. It took a good 10 minutes to calm him down and to get ice on the finger. He was able to move his fingers and the swelling went down with the ice. He does have a blood blister on his nail bed that freaks him out whenever he looks at it. My poor little guy.

So this is the conclusion of my weekend. Oh, I did find Nehemiah a doctor costume for Halloween. He can't wait to go to the Big Top party at his school on Saturday. Also, I received the results from Miah's evaluation and the greatest news, his behavior is normal for a 2 year old! He does qualify for speech and will be starting next week.

I What To Know...

~What constitutes "decently and in order" in church and who determines this?
~How your professor can tell you to double check spelling in all your emails, but he spells words wrong!
~How you can give a doctor a complete analysis of what's wrong with you, but they totally dismiss it (that fatigued feeling I've had for months is actually a Vitamin D deficiency)
~How Miah can sleep during the entire church service, but wake up at home at the sound of a sneeze
~How the Gilmore Girls can eat at Luke's twice a day every day and not gain weight?
~How Bridezillas get a man in the first place!

Dear Nehemiah

Dear Nehemiah,

Lately we have been faced with so many new things. We moved into our new house, and you've been sleeping in your own room. We have also been faced with the results of the speech/behavior evaluation you had last week. Let me start by telling you that I love you so much; to the moon and back! You are such a special little guy, who has brought such joy and purpose into my life. I treasure our special moments like last night when we ate "nem-em-nims" aka M&M's and pretended that I had to go to the doctor to get shots. We had so much fun! No matter what happens from here on out, please remember these promises to you. I love you my son.
1.) I will do whatever it takes to help you grow and progress
2.) I will NOT allow anyone to label you; your results only mean we have some things to work on, this does not determine who you are!
3.) No matter how rough your behavior may get, I will NOT spank you or allow anyone else to!
4.) I will advocate for you to make sure you continually get nothing but the best
5.) I will endure and suffer through your frustrations with you; you are never alone!
6.) I will ALWAYS welcome you into my arms without conditions
7.) I will ALWAYS wipe your tears first, and then mine
8.) Your needs will ALWAYS continue to come first
9.) I will continue to allow you to have and make choices independently, no matter what other people may think
10.) I will continue to respect decisions you make and compromise when necessary
Never be afraid to show people who you are, what you believe in and what you stand for!
Love,
Mommy

It's Been A Long Time

Nehemiah and I are all moved into our house, and the address change is official. The move last week went quite well and I didn't have to lift anything, not even a box! My movers aka family members were great. It was bitter sweet saying goodbye to my friend/landlord however. If she didn't move to New Orleans, I wouldn't be living in her house and neither of us would be exploring the new journeys that have presented themselves for us. She and I still manage to chat just about everyday.
The greatest news, Miah is sleeping in his own room in his own bed! I'm so proud of the little guy and he's quite proud of himself. He's allowed to come into my bed in the morning, and so far I've been really good about sticking to this rule. He does wake up in the middle of the night, but I stand outside his door and settle him down. Sometimes I go in and pat his back and he falls right back to sleep. He likes his radio on and the door closed. He also likes it really dark, which is still a bit shocking to me.
I'm still working on strenghthening my back at physical therapy, but so far so good. Each week I'm making progress and I'm not in as much pain. I'm going to a new physician who happens to be a Christian who practices Eastern Medicine. She truly believes in the holistic approach, so she gave me a ton of insight about what I need to be doing to help this sciatica problem. The bad news is my allergies are extremely bad, so I'm on a restricted diet. This means no flour/wheat products, so my diet is lean meat, veggies, and fruit. I do feel better when I don't eat the good stuff like bread, so I guess I can't really complain.
School is great. I have a 96 in one class and an 87 in the seminar I'm taking. The session is over in 2 weeks, then it's on to math. I've been trying to stay ahead on assignments, so that I can spend my nights unpacking. Life is thinning out and I'm making more room to breath. Can't wait to post again more regularly.

Some Updates

Life here has been very crazy this month; hence why I have not been blogging.
My sciatica injury is improving, but I faced a set back when I returned to work last Tuesday. The MRI I had done a few weeks ago came back showing no spinal damage, so we are pretty sure that I did damage my sciatica and nothing else.
My first two weeks of school have been going well. I took my first quiz Wednesday evening and got a 100! I guess keeping up with the reading assignments really do pay off.

Packing is coming along, and today I will finish the kitchen and my bedroom. We start moving boxes into the new house next weekend. I can't wait, but hate the idea of unpacking.
Nehemiah is growing like a weed, and is now in the preschool room. He no longer resembles a toddler, and I am amazed at how quickly he learns. He is now able to read his name and the names of all his classmates, as well as some site words. I am positive that he will be reading before kindergarten. I still haven't made a decision about keeping him in daycare, so we are just taking it one day at a time.

The last bit of good news I have to share is something I'm so very proud of. I have lost 15 pounds!!! I am half way to my goal and it feels good. I look good and it is the greatest feeling when you put on a pair of pants and they are too big. Something I can't say I am used to.
Once I get all moved in and my computer is up and running, I will be posting regularly again, so stay tuned.

6 Things

Some new and exciting things are getting ready to take place, which will leave me most likely feeling a bit overwhelmed. However, I cannot wait to begin!

1.) I will begin school next week; September 9th. This is such a big deal to me and it's still surreal that it is actually happening. I'm attending on-line and will be receiving my schedule via email sometime today. I received news last week that my financial aid left me owing over $4000. I was totally freaked and didn't know what to do. I tried taking out a loan, but it wasn't approved. With much prayer and supplication, I decided to attend part-time, which won't effect my financial aid as I had thought. I now have money left over for this semester and the winter and I will be graduating in 2012. This was suprising news because I didn't think I would be graduating until 2012 anyway, so it all worked out.

2.) I am giving my 30 day notice later on today or first thing tomorrow morning. I am going to be moving into the house next door and am so excited! My friend/landlord who I am going to be renting from gave me great news that she would buy the paint I picked out for the living room because she loved the color so much! That leaves me responsible for the paint in the dining room aka the toy room and for Nehemiah's room. Nehemiah is excited too because his room is going to be painted blue with lots of airplanes. I'm am dreading the whole packing things into boxes, but at least I don't have to rent a truck because I'm only going next door. I guess it's a good thing that I'm going to be out of work for awhile.

3.) My friend/landlord and I sat down last night and made out a budget for me. I was quite suprised that things worked out much easier than I had expected. I am learning how to spend responsibly so that I can start saving to possibly buy this house when it goes up for sale in about 2 years. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I just have to learn how to really differentiate between a want and a need.

4.) I am continuing to have improvement with my leg and hip. I'm waiting to hear if my insurance is going to cover the MRI, so in the mean time I will be continuing physical therapy. I have been doing my daily strenthing exercises and they are getting easier each day. I will be out of work for about another month, but I found out last week that I am eligible for some disability so I will have some money that will be used for other expenses besides moving. I still can't drive, but my mom and dad have been so terrific with driving me where I need to go.

5.) I started reading a great book (another Nic recommendation) on spiritual guidance. It is really helping me realize that God truly believes in me. I've known this for awhile now, but have never actually had it explained. Reading this book each day has made me open my eyes to the fact that God has already given me everything I need to succeed in each area of my life right now. My life at this moment is exactly how it is supposed to be; including all the ups and downs and the many, many struggles that keep coming my way. I know now that I cannot fail! What a feeling!

6.) I have a big decision to make regarding Miah and daycare. To help me save money, I'm considering pulling Miah out of daycare and having my mom babysit each day. My mom has worked in child care for over 30 years and is quite excited about the possibility. She and I talked this morning and decided that if she does babysit him, she would take him to special play activities at the library each week so that he can still have interaction with other children. She said she would also do circle time and a craft with him, so that he is still learning as much as possible. I really like the daycare Nehemiah goes to; he has made great friends and has terrific teachers, so this is a hard decision. Let me know if you have any thoughts or suggestions.

"George"

I have some fairly good news, I have not had to use my cane for 3 days. Hopefully I will be able to drive and return to work soon. So here's my latest discovery.

There is a certain someone (we shall call him "George") who has been in my life for 13 years, and will remain in my life for oh about another 16 years. "George" has been coming around a lot lately, and his help has been much appreciated. For the last few years, I have had on and off again love and anger toward this man. However, I've had to learn how to let go and accept that motherhood would continue with or without him. Have you figured out who "George" is yet?

Since he's been coming around, I noticed that there is no attraction to him anymore. No small flutters in my stomach, no anger that wants to shoot out, no hope that one day we would be together again. I have accepted that he and I will never be a couple again. I am well pleased with this discovery.

So, how did I respond when "George" decided to confess his undying love for me? I told him that I would always love him for two reasons and for those two reasons only. I explained that there would never be nothing more for the two of us. He was disappointed. I was relieved that finally I had spoken those words to him out loud.

I don't know if "George" meant everything he said to me, or if he was playing his usual games. Either way it goes, my heart has totally healed and I can now accept that some things that don't work out are truly for the best!

Sometimes You Have to Cry

I got the results from my x-rays and my bones are ok. The doctor thinks I have damaged my left leg sciatica. I started physical therapy last Thursday and I went again this morning. I also have to walk with a cain. My therapist recommended that I go for a MRI because the pain is spreading and it's not getting better, so she thinks I could have a slipped disk in my back. With that said, I cannot return to work this week and I still cannot drive. I see my doctor again on Thursday.


Last night I was in so much pain that I couldn't do anything but cry. I'm easily aggitated by everything, and yesterday I woke up with a serious case of post nasal drip that has not let up. I have been in tears a lot during the past few weeks and I still don't feel any better.


Since my parents and Miah's dad have been helping out so much with my parenting responsibilities, I'm starting to think that I'm not as good of a mom as I ought to be. I can't go out and play and I'm not supposed to be picking him up. I can't even hold him that long because I can't tolerate his weight on my leg. what kind of mom gets hurt and doesn't even know how it happened!


Miah has been throwing horrible tantrums and he even kicked me a few times. I'm convinced that my kid hates me! I think he's angry because everyone but me has been taking him to the park and outside to play. I can't even take or pick him up from school. There was a carnival over the weekend and my mom took him, which was great, but he told me that he was sad that I couldn't come. I totally feel like a slacker. Keep praying for me because I'm feeling defeated in many areas of my life right now

Why I've Been Away

Sorry I haven't blogged in over a week, but things have been rather hectic. Here's what's been going on

1.) Had a great time at the family reunion. Met lots of cousins and got to see relatives whom I haven't seen since childhood.



2.) Nehemiah did well with the car ride. He loved the hotel room, or maybe I should say he loved the beds in the hotel room because he got to jump on them.



3.) Here's the downer: On the car trip home, I some how managed to hurt my leg. Since last Sunday, I have had a swollen and painful left leg.



4.) I have had a Doppler test and so far, I don't have any blood cots.



5.) I had x-rays done on Friday and I'm still waiting for the results.



I'm on meds that totally make me unconscious. I haven't been able to work or drive in over a week. I'm in pain and I'm extremely stressed about this whole thing with my leg. Did I mention that I won't have a paycheck next week. To make things more difficult, I'm dealing with some family stuff that I have no control over. So much stuff has hit me all at once and frankly I'm feeling quite defeated. The weather has been fabulous and all I can do is hobble my way to the porch and watch Miah ride his bike.

Hopefully tomorrow the doctor will call me with the results of the x-rays. So until things with my leg get better I will remain at my parent's house on the couch watching daytime television. Please keep me in your prayers.

The Good Book and Weekend

I finished reading The Poisonwood Bible and I have a whole new opinion on Africa! For those who enjoy an amazing read, I highly recommend this book. I was so wrapped up in the plot that I totally forgot that the characters were fictional! Now that's what I call a good book. I have 4 other books that I want to read, so I haven't decided yet which one will be next. All I know is that I'm going to have to buy another bookshelf when I move. Between my books and Miah's, we are filling up fast!

Tomorrow my mom and I are getting pedi's and doing a bit of shopping, which means I have the day off! Unfortunately, I have to go the OB/GYN in the morning, but that's part...a very unfair part- of womanhood I suppose. Next month is my one year celebration of hearing that I am cancer free. No Breast Cancer for me! I am a little freaked about my visit tomorrow, but so far all has been well, so I'm sure I will be just fine.

We are leaving for Ohio at the crack of dawn on Saturday, and I'm the driver (good thing for a borrowed GPS). We have a family reunion, which I'm so excited about! I haven't seen my mother's side of the family since my Grammy passed away in 2006. I am feeling a bit anxious about traveling 5 hours in the truck with a toddler!

Nehemiah is extremely excited about going on "baycation." Being the mom that I am, I know I'm going to overpack, but I guess it's better to have too much of something than not enough ie: clothes, pull-ups, toys, books.

I can't wait to post pics of our trip when we get back. Maybe one of my cousins will introduce me to a hot stud and I will be swept off my feet. A girl can hope right!

A New Change

As I have previously mentioned before, I have been trying to live a healthy lifestyle for a few months now. This has become very near and dear to my heart since my friend was diagnosed with Diabetes. I also have a high risk of developing Diabetes, Heart Disease, and Hypertension. Let's not forget that Breast Cancer may try to show it's ugly face again in the future, so being healthy is a must.

My eating habits have changed and become a lot more stable. I eat tons of fresh fruit and veggies, and I only eat out once a week (I'm still struggling with this one). When eating out, I try to avoid going to the place that is known for their "Golden Arches."

I've done some research and talked to Nehemiah's pediatrician. I have decided that we are going to remove red meat from our diet as much as possible. We rarely eat red meat already, so this shouldn't be too much of a challenge. The risks of eating red meat out weigh the benefits, so I think this is a great choice for us.

The reason for this change. First, I want Nehemiah to grow up with healthy eating habits. I'm very particular about what's put into his body and hopefully once he's older, he will be too. This by no means is an easy task! We live in a world where fast and easy seem to be the way. There are sweet temptations everywhere, which could be the reason grocery shopping is difficult for me to do when Miah is with me.

I love a good steak, but recently I have had some issues. There are certain foods that I can't eat because I can picture the animal in my head...duck, veal, lamb. On my way to and from work, I pass a dairy farm with lots of cows. The more I look at these animals the more disgusted I get knowing that I sometime eat them for dinner! And don't let me make the mistake of hearing one moo. I go into straight freak out mode.

I'm not sure how removing red meat from our lives will work out in the long run, but we can only take this step one day at a time. Nehemiah won't be missing out on any nutrients because we are still eating chicken, fish, and turkey. The pediatrician also recommended that I add more green veggies to his diet. This is an easy fix seeing that he loves lettuce, asparagus, and broccoli.

Just as with any change, this will take time. I haven't actually sorted out all the meats we won't eat, but I'm definately open to eliminating any that we don't need. Wish us luck on this new travel.

Weekend Re-Cap

Friday:

1.) Went to a new consignment shop, which happens to be just a few blocks away from my house. It's a bit small, but is filled with lots of nostalgia. I discovered an awesome ring for $5.00!

2.) Finished disc 1 for Gossip Girl season 1 (disc 2 should be here Tuesday). So glad Serena and Blair are friends. Hope they stay that way...be sure not to ruin it for me by giving it away!



Saturday:

1.) Worked at the 4H Fair for a few hours. Learned a lot about emergency preparedness. Hope everyone has an emergency kit at home and in the car! It's super important, especially if you have children or animals.


2.) Went to Lisa's for dinner.

Had great Riesling White wine and enjoyed some steak.



3.) Got the chance to watch Legally Blonde while Nehemiah played with Raheem, Jake and Claire.



4.)Finally got to talk to Nicole, who is now officially my Georgia Peach. Although she's only been gone a week, it feels much longer.


5.) Received the long awaited notice regarding my loans. This means that I will finally find out what type of Financial Aid package I will be receiving. I was getting a bit anxious because school starts in a month.


Sunday:

1.) Went to church. Nehemiah brought his drum with him and had a great time playing it during worship! He especially loved playing while I sang with the choir.

2.) I woke up not feeling too great, so Nehemiah and I napped together after church.





2.) Read some more of ...

It's such a great book (thanks for recommending it Nic). I'm hoping to finish it this week.

Not a lot of excitement over the weekend, but that was more than welcomed. It was nice to have the chance to rest; this coming up weekend we will be driving to Ohio for a family reunion.

Frustration

Last night I went to Target to get some basic things; toilet tissue, paper towels, shampoo, Pull-Ups, kitty litter and so on. I promised Miah that we would look for a drum for him to take to Church, and we were lucky to find one. He was so excited because the drum came with real sticks, a tambourine, and a harmonica. He needed a new pair of summer shoes so we got those too. He picked out these shoes all by himself. What a big boy.

My only splurge was a $16.99 slouchy hobo bag. I'm very particular about the types of bags I carry, and seeing that right now I cannot afford a name brand bag, this would have to do. I am very pleased with my purchase.

I also got the latest issue of Cosmo. I searched 2 other stores during my lunch break and they were both all sold out!. Because my mom is unemployed during the summer months, I also got her some basic household items as well. Mom was gracious and took Nehemiah out to the truck for me so I could pay.

When I progressed to the check out line, the woman in the next line was conversing with my cashier. She was stating how she dropped 3 pant sizes in a few short months! I was flabbergasted!

Being as bold as I am, I turned to her and asked her what she did to lose the weight and how is she keeping it off. She replied by saying that she runs each and everyday. She explained that she gained a ton of weight during her pregnancy and couldn't manage to take the weight off. Once she started running, the weight melted off and she is seeing amazing results.

I have been living a healthier lifestyle since June 1st and have lost 10lbs. I have not gained anymore weight, but I still have 20lbs to go before I get to my recommended/goal weight. I already felt like my weight loss was at a stand still before speaking to this woman, but the end of this brief conversation just made me extremely jealous.

To make matters worse, my bill totaled $220.00! Yikes. I knew it was going to be a lot because when the cashier rang up the 2 packs of Pull-Ups, diaper wipes, toilet tissue, and paper towels I had already spent nearly $100.00. After swiping my bank card, I gathered my bags and got into my truck where my mom and Nehemiah waited for me. I told mom what I had spent and she made a very good point. "You got what you needed. At least you didn't waste that amount of money on useless items from the mall!" I love my mom.

Now here's where my frustration comes in. I am a single mom who has to live pay check to pay check in order to survive. By the grace of God and with the help of supportive parents, Nehemiah has never had to go without the best of anything. I work full-time for a non-profit agency, so my salary is minimal. And as far as child support goes, ha that is a joke. The monthly court-ordered support is for a whole whopping $50.00! Yes, that's right $50.00. The last time I received support was in March.

I don't mean to complain, but household items and a few extras should not have to break my bank. I know life is not fair, but I don't appreciate when Miah's father comes to visit and has to insist on showing off his new IPhone. Or how about when I drive Miah to his father's house for a visit and he shows me his new flat screen! I'm not asking for these fancy things, just some help with the neccessities. Grrrrr. Any advice?

Movie Night

When I got home last night, I was so excited to see two red envelopes in my mail box. Yep, they were my Netflix movies. I was even more excited because the night had offered me the opportunity to sit down and actually watch the dvd's.

I decided to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic. Although I didn't find the book all that amusing, I decided to give the movie a try anyway. How bad could the movie be; she shops and looks fabulous right?

Just as any book-made-movie, the plot was much different. Instead of Becky living in England, she was in NYC, different but no big deal. For the first 30 minutes I was interested in Becky's life, mainly because of all the clothes, shoes and shopping. After that, it was a wrap; I was bored.

Maybe the movie didn't peek my interest because I was expecting Becky's character to emulate the infamous Elle Woods. Everyone knows that Legally Blonde is my number one movie of all time. Right next to Clueless. A smart, sexy girl who loves pink; how could I not love Legally Blonde? Although the endings to both movies are highly un-likely, I have to give Confessions a thumbs down. It was just too unbelieveable. I have to say I enjoyed the book much more, which still doesn't say all that much.

After the dissappointing movie, I decided to watch the other dvd.

I don't have cable anymore, so I Netflixed a series that seems to get a lot of buzz. I have never actually watched the show, so I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about it. Wondering what series I decided to follow?

Gossip Girl! OMG, I'm sold. After watching just the first episode of season 1, I'm totally hooked. I'm all for drama (especially when it doesn't involve me personally), and Gossip Girl definately is packed with it. I can't wait to watch the rest of season 1.

So I guess I could say that Gossip Girl saved the night. It's not often that I get the chance to sit and enjoy and a good flic, and I was utterly disgusted that I wasted a spot on my queue with Confessions. However, all those emotions flew right out the window once I started watching my new favorite series. I think I've found a new love.

Swimming

Since our other Martin friends are gone, Nehemiah and I have been putting around trying to find something to do with our evenings. Last night Lisa called and invited us to Godfrey's Pond. It was getting late, but seeing that the weather was so nice, I decided to go.

This was Nehemiah's first time attempting to swim in water that wasn't in a plastic kiddie pool or in the bathtub. I'm deathly afraid of water, so the whole idea of him swimming sorta freaked me out. I didn't want to transfer my fear into him, so I sucked it up and made a big deal about how fun swimming is.

Once he got into the water with the other kids, he began to get a little unnerved. He was trying to walk in the water rather than swim. He tipped over and his head went under. This did it, he freaked out. Claire was holding his hand and she helped him get back on his feet. He started screaming. By that time I had already gotten into the shallow water to comfort him. I wiped his tears and told him how proud I was that he tried swimming! He was so brave.

For the rest of the evening Nehemiah decided to play in the sand. He scooped sand into the water and only wanted to put his feet in. I rolled up my capris and walked along the edge of the pond. Once he saw that I was okay, he held my hand and walked with me. He didn't get back into the water, but he enjoyed the sand and the fishermen who were on the other side.

After we ate dinner and watched some boys catch fish, it was time for home. After a quick bath to rinse all the salt, it was time for bed. Nehemiah had a hard time winding down, but right before he closed his eyes as I rocked him, he looked up at me. "I love you to the moon mama," he said and fell right asleep. "I love you to the moon and back," I replied. I kissed his forehead and put him in bed.

For those who don't know the story behind "I love you to the moon," you must read the book down below by Sam McBratney. Every child should have this book in their collection.

Good Bye

Last night Nehemiah and I had our last playdate with the other "Martin" family. The kids had a great time playing and all went well until it was time to say goodbye. Nehemiah got angry because his friend was leaving, and I was suprised to see that he really understood what was going on. As I hugged Nic, I felt so many emotions; the pain of bad breakup; a death. A part of me was leaving. Change is the only thing in life that is constant. We knew this move was going to happen, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. A timeless friendship is one that you learn from; you will always have something to take with you to encourage and inspire you no matter where you are in life. I have been blessed enough to have a few of these types of friendships (thanks Nic and Mary). It's these types of friendships that make life a bit easier to live.

BlAcK

Lately in the media there has been a lot of discussion about what it means to be "black." Within my own culture, an educated man or woman who speaks well is trying to act "white." The last time I checked, education and speech didn't come marked with a race.



The statistics for my people are horrible. Many believe that we can't be successful unless we rap or play a sport. Making money seems to be what drives most, except greed starts to over take need. When are we going to hold ourselves to a higher standard?



Seeing that I don't fit into this classification, where does this leave me? I'm not "black enough" for some of my sistas because of my light skin and "good" hair, or maybe it's because of the way I raise my son.



At 27, I still get teased for the way I talk and the music I like. And as far as my parenting, that seems to be a public discussion. I hear constantly, "We don't do things like that cause we're black. Only white people treat their kids like that!"



Shut up already! I know the legacy that runs through my veins. I know the story of the struggles my people went through. I know where we have been and the journey we are yet still on.



Just because the "good things in life" and the "American dream," seem to be reserved for those who are not of color, does not mean that I will stand back and not fight for my piece of the pie. My accomplishments, goals and dreams, for me and my son are not painted in white, black, brown, or tan. They are painted with hope and faith, and that's all we need to get us by!

So if my walk and talk offend you, well then it's just too bad. To fit into your preconceived notion about how this BlAcK woman should be living her life? Thanks for your unwanted opinion, but actually...I'm aight!

And Now

Lots of new stuff going on in my life, which leaves me excited and for once not anxious. For the first time in about a year, I feel like I have some control. Life at home is changing, but i'm open to what new doors will opened. Friends are moving (GA seems to be the "in" place to live now!) and although I'm excited for the newness that will be coming their way, I'm also very sad that they will be gone. I'm especially sad because Nehemiah's best buddy will no longer be around the corner. How do you explain change to a 2 year old? I will mourn their leaving for awhile, but life has to go on. Instead of playdates we will have Skype dates and phone calls. Real friends find time for one another, so I'm sure that the distance between us will only make our hearts grow fonder. With all this change comes the biggest change of all, my returning to school to study Business Administration and Mangement. This has been a goal of mine forever, and finally it's coming true! I'm going back to college. To put in words the emotions I feel whenever I speak that sentence cannot be done. Thankfullness floods my being and I want to fall on my knees just say "thank you." No one truly knows what God has done for me. This blessing will be stored in my heart forever.

It looks like I will moving into the house next door in Oct, and I'm very excited.

Life Lessons

1.) Don't sweat the small stuff. If it won't matter in 5 years, it won't matter in 5 minutes!
2.) Never be afraid of who you are. If you've managed to touch at least one person's life in a positive way, you've done something right.
3.) Just because you're family doesn't mean you have to be friends.
4.) The friends who really charish your friendship make time for you.
5.) Don't regret the past, it may help you with the future.
6.) Remember to smile.
7.) Cry when it hurts.
8.) Be thankful.
9.) Life is valuable. Everyone has a purpose.
10.)Pray. Someone is listening.
11.) Love. We all need it.

What I've Learned Round 2

Here is what I learned...again.
10.) Taking Benadryl helps take away the head exploding feeling.
9.) Your luggage will weigh more at the end of the trip than it did in the beginning.
8.) Flying in lounging clothes is so much better.
7.) Jetlag does go away.
6.) Female pilots rock!
5.) Being in an isle seat is not neccessarily a good thing.
4.) Definately check the monitors at the airport for gate departures (apparently they change often).
3.) Little old men share awesome stories.
2.) I am most certain the woman sitting behind me on the opposite side of the plane had Swine Flu...okay maybe it was just a cold, but thank God for all the handy wipes I brought with me!
1.) You may see someone famous at the airport...I saw Kanye West! We were going through security at the same time. TV really does alter your apparence!

What I've Done So Far

1.) Tuesday 5/12: Arrived, went to dinner at Bravo in Pearl Ridge.
2.) Wednesday 5/13: Went to Schofield Army Post, Dole Plantation, and North Shore beach where I saw Sea Turtles.
3.) Thursday 5/14: Chilled out at "home," watched Lakeview Terrace (good movie!).
4.) Friday 5/15: Went to Ko'olina beach and saw a seal in the water! Then we went to dinner at the Dixie Grill and I had a mai Tai!
5.) Saturday 5/16: Celebrated Bailee's un-birthday at the bowling alley in Schofield. Met some of our Heros and their wives. Went to dinner at Haiwa Joes then walked along the shore and looked at the boats. Got home and watched Sam's Lake (I'd give this one only 1 star, it sucked!)
6.) Sunday 5/17: Went to the Pancake House for breakfast then went to the Swap Meet. This was the coolest place ever! I got a ton of things to bring back home. Then we did the hike at Manouah Falls. Went to Bubba Gumps (Forrest Gump's restaurant) at the outdoor mall and had a Blue Hawaiian.
7.) Monday 5/18: Going to a Lulua tonight! Yeah Baby.

Humble Experience

Only a few days left in Hawaii and then I'm off for home. I'm saddened that I have to leave this beautiful place, but at the same time there's some thing so comforting about home. Plus, I miss Nehemiah so much and I can't wait to see his smiling face. Today Mary and I went on a hike to a waterfall. It was so challenging! I didn't think I could make it all the way up, but I did! It was such an accomplishment. I wanted to turn around, but Mary wouldn't let me. Once we got to the top it started raining and on the way back down it was pouring. My legs are sore and I'm beat, but I made it to the top of the mountain on my first hike. Once we left the mountain and headed toward the beach in Waikiki, I was in awe at the sight of all the Coach and Prada stores! I looked on the other side of the street and I was even more amazed. There were homeless people all across the beach. I guess I'm sheltered seeing that back home there are no obvious homeless people. My heart hurt for these people. I may not be able to rescue these people, but at least I can pray for them.

10 Things I've Learned

While traveling to Hawaii I learned some very interesting things, here they are...
10.) Don't wear jeans on a 12 hr flight!
9.) Your head feels like it's going to explode on take off.
8.) You need to drink water, which consequently makes you pee and people get pissed when
you keep climbing over them!
7.) Never buy airport food, you'll go broke before you get to your destination!
6.) People don't follow the no cell phone rule until an attendant yells at them to turn them off!
5.) Talk to people, they have intersting stories (I made two friends, one of whom I will fly back
to Detroit with).
4.) Belts and watches will not pass through security.
3.) Gay flight attendants are frickin' awesome!
I don't want to pass on judgement on LA, but here goes...
2.) the airport looks like a mall and everyone seems to be over dressed
1.) There is definately tension between NY girls and LA girls! NY girls are classified
as true friends while LA girls are only friends with people who can do something
for them. I was also told that Californians are materialistic snobs!
I can't prove if this theory is true regarding Californians because I only know one and she doesn't fit the profile, but once you start talking about New York and California people offer their opinions and don't shut up!

Today is the National Day of Prayer. I have been praying throughout the morning and I feel so good. I'm a bit overwhelmed with life (both personal and professional), but I am seeking God and therefore I cannot be disappointed. I may not understand the "why's" that life brings, but I definately understand that in life we have seasons and each season brings about a new discovery of who I am in Christ. Thank God that the new has finally come!
2 Corinthians 5:17 (New International Version)
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Happy Friday

Today is my most favorite day of the week despite the fact that it is not a pay week! Friday means I can stay up late tonight and sleep the day away tomorrow, which won't be happening because I will start packing for Hawaii. I can't believe that in 11 days I'll be with my Mary once again! I know we're going to act like babies when we see each other. Lots of hugs and tears, but that's what keeps our first grade friendship so strong. I miss her so much. I'm getting teary just thinking about this grand reunion. Happy Friday.

Teenagers...Yuck!

Yesterday I was at the park with Nehemiah and Raheem and once again we had to leave early because of frickin teenagers. I don't even think these girls were teenagers, more like rude preteens. These girls were cussing at an adult and eventually the woman called the cops. I understand that parks are public places, but come on! It's not fair to the younger kids when they can't enjoy the playground because the teenagers are acting like jerks. The language was inappropriate and some of these girls were dressed like Aubrey O'Day! I vote that all teens (unless accompanied by an adult) be banned from the park...well all teens except my nieces and nephew of course lol!

My Weekend

1.) On Saturday I spent a few hours with a great sister in Christ. We prayed and shared on the goodness of Jesus. We also shared on our trials and some things we are facing. This relationship is a blessing to me because at the end of each conversation I feel stronger and I am reminded of the promises that God has for me.
Some times I forget to look back to where God has brought me from. It is not by my own strength that I am where I am today. I realized that I've made some compromises in my walk and I refuse to let it happen again. I cannot hide who I am or doubt what I believe. I am reminded of Peter, who denied Jesus when it counted the most. However, Peter was redeemed and forgiven as am I. I will continue to stress that, "As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord!" ~Joshua 24:14

2.)The weather was fabulous, so I took Nehemiah, Raheem (my nephew), and my two nieces Irisa and Ashanti to the carnival. It was expensive, but the kids loved it! We met up with some family and had a blast. Nehemiah and I got to wear our summer clothes and I finally shaved my legs!

3.) Yesterday we had Sunday dinner at my parent's house and it was great as usual. There's nothing better than spending time with family. I am so blessed.

Good Bye Frank

Well I've managed to do it again...I killed Frank. Don't worry he's a plant, not a person! Sorry Nic, I tried. I got a new plant to take Frank's place, too bad that poor plant has no idea what its in for. Wish me luck!

I talked to Nehemiah a bit ago and he is really having a hard time being away from home. I know he's fine with his dad, but my mama bear instinct is to leave the office and go get my boy! I need this trial run before Hawaii (22 days) otherwise I will not enjoy myself for worrying about my kid. I have never been a fan of being away from home and I don't want him to be the same way, so I know I need to be strong and get through this week. I don't know whose more upset, him or me.

Funny Story

Thursday morning Nehemiah was reading a book to me. As he was reading, I realized that he was saying F*&$! I said, "Nehemiah don't say that word cause it's a cuss word." He looked at me in all seriousness and said, "Mom I not cussing, the book is." What do you say to that?

I'm feeling much better and I have a voice again! The weather is fantastic, but too bad I'm inside doing eighty loads of laundry, and when that's finish I may even attempt to clean my apartment (probably not).

I feel so incredibly blessed today and it's for the small things that I am ever so grateful for. I complain a lot about what I don't have, and I tend to forget the things I do have.

I have an amazing family whose love for me and Nehemiah often takes my breath away.

I have friends who lend me their strength when I feel too weak to make it on my own. Strong women who face fears with smiles on their faces.

Last, but definately not least, I have an amazing son who makes me look at life through an entirely different lens. A son who absolutely pleased with just sitting down in the bathtub each night playing with toys.

I may not have money to buy all the things that my heart desires (like a Coach bag), but I sure have a lot more than some people.

I have a lot of love in my life and that makes it all worth it.

I've been sick again for a week, which means I haven't been in the office, which means I will have a horrible paycheck.

I'm totally freaking out about money right now especially because I leave for Hawaii in 27 days. I hate this so much! Excuse my self loathing, but I don't know what to do differently to fix my financial situation. I'm totally aware that if you keep doing the same things the same way, you get the same results. I wish I could snap my fingers and BAM, everything in my life seems to fall into place. I'm broke, I'm single, and I'm frickin' sick. Gosh am I to be envied!

So I just became a "follower" to some really cool blogs, which made me come to the realization that in fact my blog blows! Help please!!!!!

Some possible good news, I may be moving into my neighbor and friend's home, which is next door. How cool is it that I wouldn't need a moving truck!

Golden Moments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQkTA1PKO_U

There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.

- Alice Thomas Ellis

I LOVE IT!!!

Here's What I've Been Up To

So I haven't blogged in awhile, but that's what happens when you get Bronchitis and a sinus infection. Here's what we've been up to...


~Went to get new undies at Vickie Secrets with my "goon" Nic (my girl fa life!)

~Celebrated Charlene's birthday at Nic's house on Sat (that was an interesting evening)

~Went to church on Sunday and got refreshed

~I've been getting up around 5am to have some time with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He is so good to me, where would I be without my Lord

~Nehemiah and I did the dishes together for the first time last night

~And the best...NEHEMIAH POOPED IN THE BATHTUB LAST NIGHT!!!!!

testing this out

this blog is cool.

trying this

Nunu at Zubin's birthday.

I'm Going to Hawaii!

Apparently you should save a very well thought-out, heart-felt blog before you hit the back button! Grrrrrrrr. As I am everly pissed off now, I therefore don't wish to re-write my pre-back bottoned blog, but the news is I'm going to Hawaii ! (incase you didn't get that part in the title) It's going to be a blast and quite theraputic as well. Bye Haters :)!!!!